Premeditated Misconduct

The lilacs are blooming once more.
I stood under them today, dappled with sun and shadow, feeling the heart-shaped leaves brushing my face. I leaned forward until my nose touched the cluster of half-closed violet flowers and inhaled the scent of them-- rich, deep, heart-rendingly sweet, and I thought...

Oh,
I thought of love; I thought of warmth and laughter, and the flash of white teeth in an incorrigible grin. I thought of the low growl of thunder and the soothing patter of rain hitting windows. I thought of soft blankets and the instinctual, animalistic pleasure of touch.

I thought: Ah, you are beautiful, my beloved, truly lovely. As a lily among brambles, so is my love... Stay me with apples and comfort me with flagons, for I am sick with love.

I thought: Itsuka mata aimashou. Sono hi made, sayonara, koigokoro yo.

And I wished...
Oh, but some things should remain unspoken; some things aren't meant to be exposed to the harshness of the world. Shut my mouth now. Tender dreams can't be exposed to the air or they will wither and die. I'm brave-- I have to be-- but not that brave.

Lilac is the scent of love; bright clean sunlight and spring rain are things you should share. Things are as they always have been: not quite right, but not really wrong, and I thought...

God, I miss you.

And somehow, I hated myself for it.

...and I'm still awake.

I laid in bed for a while, reading The Magic of Shapeshifting and sipping my tea, but I started thinking, and damn it, everyone knows how that goes.

I've been feeling a lot of... I don't know what to call it. Deja vu, is, I think as close as I can get. It's like... I suddenly don't understand how I've gotten where I am. I feel like I'm living someone else's life. For a moment, the world spins out of orbit and I'm looking around, the hairs prickling on the back of my neck and stomach clenching, and I don't recognize what's around me as being right.

(I mean, practically speaking, I'm not saying that I have fugues and blank moments. It's not that I suddenly look around and have no idea where I am or how I got there; I remember all that, but it just doesn't feel right. It's like I slip out of myself like a gear falling out of place, and suddenly I'm standing outside and inside myself simultaneously, fascinated by the quality of light streaking the pavement and unable to breathe normally.)

It's really strange, not entirely unpleasant, but disturbing in an almost revelatory kind of way. It's like that moment when you really, finally wrap your mind around the fact that you are going to die, and there's nothing you can do about it, and life will go on without you.


I also feel a little lonely tonight.
I don't know why; it's so odd really. I don't usually feel a lack of companionship.
I'm not a cuddly, sentimental person, given to flights of sugar-spun romance.
But tonight it would be nice to be able to press up against someone and just listen to the slow, steady thunder of their heart. To be wrapped up in someone else's scent and heat. To be silent and know that no words need to be spoken, because nothing could express the perfection of this moment.
Y'know what I mean?
Ah, well. I no doubt wouldn't appreciate it if I had it, anyway.
That's the kind of person I tend to be, much to my own displeasure.

I decided a while back that I would not concern myself with whether or not I was in a relationship. Things would happen in their own good time, and I would-- could-- wait for something good.
So I wait.

And in the mean time I am obnoxiously sexually flirtatious with people. I'd apologize for that, but fuck it; I don't really feel that sorry.
I just don't want people to get the wrong impression of me.
It's not all about sex.
I have more interests than sex and porn and smut.
There is more to me than that.
*sigh*
Whatever.

OK, now I AM going to bed.