Sabishii... Daijoubu... Sabishii

The lilacs are blooming once more.
I stood under them today, dappled with sun and shadow, feeling the heart-shaped leaves brushing my face. I leaned forward until my nose touched the cluster of half-closed violet flowers and inhaled the scent of them-- rich, deep, heart-rendingly sweet, and I thought...

Oh,
I thought of love; I thought of warmth and laughter, and the flash of white teeth in an incorrigible grin. I thought of the low growl of thunder and the soothing patter of rain hitting windows. I thought of soft blankets and the instinctual, animalistic pleasure of touch.

I thought: Ah, you are beautiful, my beloved, truly lovely. As a lily among brambles, so is my love... Stay me with apples and comfort me with flagons, for I am sick with love.

I thought: Itsuka mata aimashou. Sono hi made, sayonara, koigokoro yo.

And I wished...
Oh, but some things should remain unspoken; some things aren't meant to be exposed to the harshness of the world. Shut my mouth now. Tender dreams can't be exposed to the air or they will wither and die. I'm brave-- I have to be-- but not that brave.

Lilac is the scent of love; bright clean sunlight and spring rain are things you should share. Things are as they always have been: not quite right, but not really wrong, and I thought...

God, I miss you.

And somehow, I hated myself for it.

Ah Shit.

Before I forget, I have two memes I have to post here and take m'beatings like a good girl:

From tsukiguujin
Every person on your f-list gets to request a drabble from you. In return, they have to should post this in their journal and write a drabble for you. Post all fandoms you're willing to write for. Your friends can pick a relationship, a story arc, a missing scene, commentary! Or pretty much anything they want, unless the author has previously mentioned that they will not write it. They comment with what they want, and you write drabbles and post it in your LiveJournal.

Fandoms:
FMA (I'm NOT writing Elricest except for Tsuki, 'cause I like her owe her. But no one else. >.<)
Hellsing
Chrno Crusade
Scrapped Princess
Elfen Lied
Fushgi Yuugi
Saiyuki (manga-verse only, since that's all I know)


From dracschick:
Comment here with your name and I'll tell you something that I adore (or at least mildly like) about you. Afterwards, copy and paste this into your own journal.

Be kind and let me know which you are responding to!

___
OH YEAH!
I have a new email and new AIM username. To make everything neat and convenient, I am now Lykomancer@gmail.com (OMG, love, Tsuki! Why didn't I get one of these earlier? It's cool as hell!) and Lykomancer on AIM, too. One username for everything = easier on everyone.

Guilt pounces at 3:30 am

...I yelled at one of my roommates last night.
Not just yelled, but flat-out screamed and waved my hands and cried in frustration/discontent/upsetness/irritation for a full five to ten minutes.
I was so wound up and/or distracted for the rest of the night, the emotional pain of what I did didn't hit me until I tried to sleep, and then I laid there mentally smacking my stupid self upside the head, cussing myself out, and crying some more.
I had no right to do that. It wasn't fair; it wasn't mature; it wasn't responsible... It wasn't helpful. It was, in fact, very wrong of me to do. It didn't resolve anything or make anyone feel better. No matter how frustrated or irate or hurt I get, there is still no reason for me to lose my temper that completely with someone I love. I was a fucking jackass last night, and I should have known better. I should have acted better.
Damnit, I'm a better person than that most of the time!

I'm sorry; I'm so sorry.
So sorry.
If it's possible, I'll make it up to you, I swear.


In other, unrelated news, there's a rather giddy note from Tom on the 'fridge that makes me wonder if he's finally found someone masochistic enough to want to date, or something.
I wish that thought could make me feel happy; I mean, Tom's been single for a really long time now, and I think he does deserve a chance with someone... But really, all I feel is vaguely annoyed and jealous at the idea.

...
Yeah, I'm acting my age, aren't I? [/sarcasm]
God, when the fuck do I get to stop being so goddamn dumb all the time? Soon, right? Please?