lykomancer: (Run to ease the ache)
The lilacs are blooming once more.
I stood under them today, dappled with sun and shadow, feeling the heart-shaped leaves brushing my face. I leaned forward until my nose touched the cluster of half-closed violet flowers and inhaled the scent of them-- rich, deep, heart-rendingly sweet, and I thought...

I thought of love; I thought of warmth and laughter, and the flash of white teeth in an incorrigible grin. I thought of the low growl of thunder and the soothing patter of rain hitting windows. I thought of soft blankets and the instinctual, animalistic pleasure of touch.

I thought: Ah, you are beautiful, my beloved, truly lovely. As a lily among brambles, so is my love... Stay me with apples and comfort me with flagons, for I am sick with love.

I thought: Itsuka mata aimashou. Sono hi made, sayonara, koigokoro yo.

And I wished...
Oh, but some things should remain unspoken; some things aren't meant to be exposed to the harshness of the world. Shut my mouth now. Tender dreams can't be exposed to the air or they will wither and die. I'm brave-- I have to be-- but not that brave.

Lilac is the scent of love; bright clean sunlight and spring rain are things you should share. Things are as they always have been: not quite right, but not really wrong, and I thought...

God, I miss you.

And somehow, I hated myself for it.
lykomancer: (Oh Love Look at you)
I live in that space between the words love and loss--
I said, Sometimes, it's enough for me just to give my heart away;
what would I do with it, anyway?

Recklessly, giddily,
I have no room within for regret.

I spin around and breathe the scent left on the pillows
and close my eyes,

And for one more moment--
one last moment--
I live in that space between the words love and loss,
savoring the air that flows around my tongue as I form the loose liquid syllables,
like a mouthful of fresh, sweet spring rain.

One last moment...

...then I exhale,
let go,
and fall
into pleasant dreams.

Merci d'avoir enchante ma vie.

They never tell you that the greatest sin
of all
is joy.

I saw m'company off, the darlings.
How wonderful! How delightful! How I love...
I realized how much I've grown up suddenly; lying there, warm flesh against warm flesh, I thought, Ten years ago-- five years ago-- I'd want them to love me, desperately. I'd break my own heart with my useless, fruitless wanting. Now I lie here and I simply exist with my heart in my mouth, agape filling me until I want to die from the pressure of it.
(Agape, not Eros mind you.)
I think that's a wonderful thing.

It's now six-thirty in the morning.
I have to be up and going for my Sanrio interview by noon.
Why on God's green earth am I still awake?
lykomancer: (Default)
Back in good old Ashland. It's good to be here. I plan on spending the morning and afternoon wandering about searching for people (I know where to find you!) and the evening having a barbeque in Prentice Park. Hopefully, I'll make it to the beach on Thursday.

There's always so much to say that when I finally sit down to write, I don't know where to begin.
Like how I realized today that coming to Ashland is coming home to my family. (My really weird family!) Time to start addressing y'all as "nii-chan" and "nee-chan"-- though, except for Angela and Jenny, that would take a bit of explaining.
Simultaneously, I realized that what I've come to understand as "friendship" is much deeper and truer than other's understanding. When I hear other people talk about their friends, their relationship sounds so superficial to me. I don't know. I could be wrong.

I also had the weird sensation of noticing that the significant majority of my friends are bi or gay, and that this is not "normal". -_-;; It's weird beyond words to hear my co-worker say things like, "Yeah, I know some of Those People (i.e. gay men) in college. They were really funny." ~??~ Huh? "Those People"? (And yes, you could hear the captialization in her tone.) Hate to break ot to you, Dana, but "Those People"...are us, them, and everyone else.
Of course, my coworkers also didn't realize there were such things as Drag Kings. Ho-ho.

And furthermore, I freaked the hell out of one 'em by proudly stating that I wanted to go to Japan to molest all the pretty boys. She stared at me with the most thunderstruck, horrified expression...

...and I was equally bemused to hear the same coworker state that she just couldn't eat chicken with bones in it; that's SO gross! -_-;;

I miss normal people like Annie. Annie, love, you'd bewilder two-thirds of the Cities with your outspoken, honest, free-loving behavior. I like that. It amuses me to think when I don't know how to relate to others in my new environment.

lykomancer: (Default)
I had chicken for supper (thank you, Barbara), and sat around Kris's house watching Daysha's copy of Pirates of the Caribbean. Now, I'm sitting here at my computer (thank you, Tim), drinking Chai latte (thank you, Angela) with a splash of vanilla schnapps (thank you, Ed) and eating a piece of chocolate cake (thank you, Crystal), while listening to strange foreign music (Angela again) and wearing my nice red housecoat (Crystal again). I need to call that strange woman Tom hooked me up with so that I can get a ride down to his place for part of Spring Break.

Independent adult?
What's that mean? Certainly it doesn't mean me...
lykomancer: (Default)

Actually, I am not on anything.
But I was last night! WOoo! That was some serious weirdness.

Really indescribable weirdness, involving small, brightly-colored, fruit-shaped bits of compressed sugar, a bottle of Diet Sprite, plain dinner rolls, anime, and three people prone to bouts of madness even when things are "normal."

("Normal" goes in quotes. See?)

Stupid internet was down most of today. Stupid internet. *stabs something*
But I did use the time that it was down to clean up and defrag my poor computer... it was beginning to get twitchy. I also visited a friend and picked up some aspen bedding.

So I didn't get anything written on my capstone, but I did some reading for Christian Thought, cleaned my computer, cleaned the room, and cleaned the rat cages.
I need to get Angela-chan to make me more ofuda, and then I can clean the demons out of my room. ^_^

Me: Shut up! ...asshole...
Jenny: Talking to the voices in your head again?
Angela: No, I hear it too. *pause* Poolboy mafia!

Look at my cute litte emoticon kitty head. It's evil and priest-molesting, just like me. ^_^


lykomancer: (Default)

May 2017

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