Premeditated Misconduct

To do today:

Deposit Wendy's money
Sleep
Laundry
Clean Kimbley's cage
Hang pictures and mirror
Straighten up room
Shower
Apply to Ikea
Finish writing damned paper and email to professor

[EDIT: Oh my God, I don't remember being this tired in a loooong time. I'm in class, and I keep extended blinking and waking up when my head starts to fall forward. I've already apologized to my professor. She must think I'm a terrible student. If it wouldn't completely ruin my grade, I'd catch the bus home now.]

O_o!
I just realized how much fanfic I need to get cracking on. Oh, I'm goin' to hell.

Still undone drabble requests:
First drabble request meme for devils_devotion: Roy/Ed

Second drabble request meme fics:
For tsukiguujin-- Roy/Ed, "You want me to do WHAT!?" Ed said, face filling with color.
"It's not that big a deal, Hagane," Roy said, smirking down at the boy.

For anoyo-- Roy/Ed, "What are you doing to that cat, INSERTNAMEHERE(you pick)?"

For zip_zero_nada-- Envy/Wrath, "Brats like you should be in their beds right now."

Nondrabbles for others:

For tsukiguujin, I said I'd flesh out that first Ed/Al/Roy drabble.

Hey, chauni, are you still interested in co-writing some Nazi!Envy for malica_blacke (ok, yeah, and for our own sakes, too!), or should we just flop a coin over it?

My own desires:

Finish Cat's Cradle

Obey the whims of the Totally Promiscuous FMA Pairing Machine and write a Lust/Martel R-rated fic involving a pistol, a sofa, and the sun.

Start! (O_o!?) a Lust/Gluttony WAFFy, sweet drabble, just to disturb other people. ^_^

And, what I most want to do right now...
Start! (onward, brave author!) a Kimbley/Mustang fic.
Yeah, you read that right.
I have suddenly realized the sheer volume of potential to be mined there... almost as disturbing as EnEdo, with all the goodies I like writing: noncon, violence, and a very twisted mind, and Wheee! Dammit! It's crazy 'splodey pyromania hatesex luff! (Colorbar, anyone? ^_^) My God, YES! YES!
I am so writing this. ^_^ (And I have such a great series of titles for a set of KiMustang ficcies too! Whoot!)

SO! *cracks knuckles* In between reading for my New Testament class tomorrow, and doing normal real-life things today, I am writing fanfic! I hope to get at least three of the drabbles done today, make some headway on "Cat's Cradle", and start "Volatile". ^_^ Tee-hee!

Feeling a bit out of it now and then the last few days. Sleepy, tired, lethargic, bored and yet restless, angry, obstinate. I don't know what my problem is.

I'm getting stuff done, and sometimes I'm even doing a good job on it. I'm very happy with my Taoism midterm (in which I compared the tao of the Tao-Te Ching and the logos of The Gospel of John); I've stitched up the massive holes in three pairs of my jeans; I mailed off my FAFSA, organized my closet, located my sandals, did most of my reading for tomorrow's classes, wrote more on my original story for my writing class, and started a new piece of fanfic (Envy/Ed/Wrath, for those curious).

There's a free Stuart Davis concert in St. Paul this Sunday that I will, of course, be attending.

Speaking of this weekend... *raises a brow* May or may not be having company. *pokes wolfe_guardian* I don't know if that plan's still go, but you are always welcome here, darlin', and I do mean always. (What? Don't you know? You were adopted! ^_^) You're a delight, truly.
And in another week, ozen will be gracing me with her lovely, lively presence. Yippie! I'm so looking forward to it.

I actually have a job interview with--of all places!--the Sanrio store in the Mall of America on Monday. (Because I'm such a Hello Kitty-type person! *snortlaugh*)
Hell, I even got my hundred dollar room deposit back from Northland today, so I have a little more money.

(Things I Still Need to Get Done:
-Develop film
-Return library books!
-Deposit check
-Patch other two pairs of pants
-Write up evaluation)

But I'm just not feelin' the love for some reason.
I'm not feeling like I'm hitting my stride. Everything's a bit off. I'm not trying hard enough. I'm not living up to my potential. I'm not doing good enough; I'm slacking.
But at the same time, I don't want to do anything but slack.

Damn it, I want to be a better person! I want to be someone worthwhile; I want to be someone competent and respectable and friendly and responsible and approachable.
I want to be me, but all the good and none of the bad. I want to be the Mary Sue version of me.
I get so tired of being a fuck-up. Of being a slacker. Or sitting on my ass and blowing time. Of being lazy. Of being irresponsible. Of wasting who I am and what I could be if I just applied myself.

I hate my own hypocrisy.
I hate my envy and useless rage.
I hate my helplessness in the face of my own failings.
I hate all my faults, and if I could take a razor to them and excise them-- like cutting out my right eye or my hand-- I would.
I hate my hatred, but I can't see to do anything about it.

(God, I feel now the way I usually feel when I've been off my Zoloft for a few weeks...and that's not a good sign, 'cause I'm taking the damned stuff. >.< Fuck you, expensive medication.)

I think I need to take some time to back off and assess myself.
*sigh*

I had a productive day for once, and I feel pretty good about it, all in all.

Since 10:30 this morning, I:

-Finished my American Religious History midterm essay, citations and all. (It's crappy, but it's done, and that's the important part!)
-Cleaned the bathroom
-Did some of the dishes
-Swept
-Cleaned one of the kitty litter boxes
-Took the trash out
-Wrote all but the conclusion to my Taoism midterm, which included doing my own translations of the Gospel of John 1:1-5 from Greek and chapters 25 and 42 of the Tao-Te Ching
-Did about half of my reading for tomorrow night's class
-Started sewing a pair of my jeans
-Got a whole bunch of new music, including more Barenaked Ladies, Billy Joel, and Everclear.

^_^
I'm rather impressed with my Taoism midterm. I think I'm doing a kick-ass job-- even doing my own translations! I'm proud of myself for it, too.

I think my list for tomorrow is:

-Finish reading before class
-Fill out FAFSA!
-Finish Taoism midterm
-Remember meeting with Paul-sensei at 4:30
-Start on reading for New Testament on Thursday
-Revise and add to Blessed Be for Writing class (also Thursday)
-Possibly get more dishes done
-Sew more of my pants (God, what do I do to the things?)
-Start writing some damned fanfic 'cause I've EARNED my playtime!

And if I manage to get all or most of that done tomorrow, or-- by the latest-- Tuesday morning, then I have done everything I needed to do and then some and will be able to kick back, slack, and relax without feeling guilty!
Happysparklygoodness!

What Jess does NOT want:
1) To be poor and in debt for the rest of her life.
2) To hurt too many people along the way, while realizing some damage is inevitable.
3) To be bored.
4) To be stuck in any form of dead end-- career-wise, relationship-wise, emotionally, etc.
5) To reproduce.
6) To live someone else's fantasy.
7) To be so jealous/envious of other people.
8) To be confused about what she wants and what she's doing for the rest of her life.
9) To be such a lazy slacker procrastinator I-can-find-a-thousand-ways-to-kill-time bum.
10) To let everything she's done or become or learned go to waste.


What Jess does/might want:
1) To have financial security
2) To have a nice apartment/house that can be modified/customized to her likings without losing money or worrying about the landlord.
3) To be in a comfortable intimate relationship with 1+ other people.
4) To be published.
5) To be an editor or junior editor of fiction novels.
6) To be a junior photographer for some random newspaper or magazine.
7) To do the Peace Corps.
8) To play with wolves again. ^_^
9) To overthrow the religious right and thwart their nefarious plans.
10) To open a bookstore, a pet shop, or a small cafe/diner/restaurant.

Now, what I should do is try to break each one of these "To Do"'s into steps, and then see which of them I can accomplish the easiest and do them first, then take steps to get the more complex ones done.
Easier said than done. [See "Doesn't Want" #9]
*sigh*
Well, I took a step to getting something done at least. Even making the lists centers me a little bit more, and gives me a moment to think about what is important and what I might want to do. It's not like this is etched in stone; I can change my mind, but seeing it written down makes my mind feel less cluttered, y'know?

1) Get dressed and re-hit Anime Detour. Would not have gotten there in time, sadly.

2) Work on AAxI-ishness spoof fanart based off of AxI-ishness in last chapter of Hellsing.

3) Write Hellsing microfic on Maxwell's wonderful, terrible death.

4) Go to Gay '90's with Tom and watch really good drag.

Ah, the Sanitarium (my apartment).
The one place where you are likely to find at least one person-- actually, usually more than one-- awake at four in the morning on any given day. Honestly, I think at any given time, you are likely to find at least one household member awake... doesn't matter if you check in at 6 am or midnight or 2 in the afternoon; someone will be awake.

I was going to go to bed after I finished Juvenile Orion #1 around two. YOu can clearly see how well that worked out. (Juvenile Orion = very good, thus far. Worth the money. New collection starting.)

My little window-sitting mascot wolf is staring at me and panting cutely.

Goals for tomorrow:
-- Go for a walk if the weather is nice like it was today, possibly to the coffee shop down Franklin called The Wolves' Den.
-- Maybe go to the gym. =sigh=
-- Work out some more finances.
-- Write a sestina.
-- Finish sewing Owen's pants.
-- Fax my Social Security number to the financial aid people who are numerically illiterate and cannot tell the different between a "3" and a "5".

...I think that's it. Don't want to make the list too long, or nothing will get done.