Sabishii... Daijoubu... Sabishii

[lykomancer]

The lilacs are blooming once more.
I stood under them today, dappled with sun and shadow, feeling the heart-shaped leaves brushing my face. I leaned forward until my nose touched the cluster of half-closed violet flowers and inhaled the scent of them-- rich, deep, heart-rendingly sweet, and I thought...

Oh,
I thought of love; I thought of warmth and laughter, and the flash of white teeth in an incorrigible grin. I thought of the low growl of thunder and the soothing patter of rain hitting windows. I thought of soft blankets and the instinctual, animalistic pleasure of touch.

I thought: Ah, you are beautiful, my beloved, truly lovely. As a lily among brambles, so is my love... Stay me with apples and comfort me with flagons, for I am sick with love.

I thought: Itsuka mata aimashou. Sono hi made, sayonara, koigokoro yo.

And I wished...
Oh, but some things should remain unspoken; some things aren't meant to be exposed to the harshness of the world. Shut my mouth now. Tender dreams can't be exposed to the air or they will wither and die. I'm brave-- I have to be-- but not that brave.

Lilac is the scent of love; bright clean sunlight and spring rain are things you should share. Things are as they always have been: not quite right, but not really wrong, and I thought...

God, I miss you.

And somehow, I hated myself for it.

Comments

[wolfe-guardian.livejournal.com]

There is a stark contradiction between the image of the lilacs that you give and your description of the world as harsh.

It is one that fascinates me because it is a norm for humans to think it.

The world is not harsh. It simply operates on a balance of life and death.

It is people who made the world harsh by deciding that we should operate outside that balance and it is people who still make the world harsh by doing the shit we do and then shirking the responsibility claiming it as a natural tendency.

Not that this will make you feel any better, or that it fits within the context of what you are trying to say, but I am trying to make a point.

Remember that it is people, not the natural or the world, who create the harshness. It is too easy to forget this distinction and also too easy to assign a responsibility for that on a specific rather that an ambiguous entity.

I hope that made sense. If not, try me again in a week. I may have figured it out by then. My God, this response is going to be longer than your original post. Best stop now.

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

No, I think you got it.

I don't think of nature as "harsh"-- the lilacs are love to me, and always have been; it is human society and the human world that is harsh and abrasive. I'll share my most intimate, tentative dreams with the cat or a tree, but never with another person. (Well, not unless I'm feeling more masochistic than usual.)
Nature has always been gentler on my inner life, my emotions and dreams, than human beings, and I never really expect this to change. The moon understands me; chickadees don't judge; blackberries don't break hearts.
That's really the "harshness" I was trying to get at.

...I like it when you bother being verbose. ^_^

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

Y'know, it occurs to me now.
WTF you doin' up at three in the freakin' morning, ya weirdo?
Go to bed!

[tsukitaichou.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry I have no profound words for you, other than I luff joo and hope you feel better.

I know, I suck.
But...yes. *HUGS*

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

*is hugged*

Awwww...
Thankies.
Don't worry about it. It's ok.

[tsukitaichou.livejournal.com]

I hope so.

I'm so bad at making people feel better, lately.
Which makes me a fucking ass because *I* always need people to make me feel better because my life sucks I'm constantly depressed.
*hugs*