lykomancer: (Live Life with no Sorrow)
-- We seem to have found an apartment at long last. (The idea originally was to buy a trailer or house, but anything that gets us out of Jinya's mom's house is, at this point, progress.) Downstairs duplex, with a front porch and concrete deck area out back; one car garage; huge open kitchen (with dishwasher); hardwood floors and massive closets. $650 per month plus utilities, starting in June. Annnnnnd they'll let us take the cats-- with NO deposit or pet rent mentioned at all!

It feels unreal so far, but when I do think about it, I get a little worried about finances. I know it's affordable...but part of me's still nervous and the rest of me is unconvinced that this is actually happening.

-- Work tomorrow is going to be INSANE.
Truck delivery
New ad to set
Our company website will be down
The alpaca convention in town has a HUGE rush order in
oh, and it's Saturday, so there will also be customers everywhere.
We're fucking boned.

-- Replayed Dragon Age for the first time in a year, trying to do as much different as possible from my first playthroughs. Man, Alistair gets super bitchy toward you if you let Loghain live! Hahahahahahah! But Loghain is kind of awesome. He quickly became my new BFF. I wish it was possible to have him join your party sooner so that you could play with him more.

-- Drawing my characters a bit more again, since I got a new sketchpad. I'm thinking of getting a huge 18x24 pad and consolidating a bunch of information and sketches onto large infographic-style posters of various characters, beasts, landscapes, etc., that I can hang up around my room. I think that'd be kinda cool.

-- Jinya gave me an entire gluten-free pizza. I have eaten half of it. I am too full to take another bite, but I'm holding another piece anyway; I am rolling in the ecstasy of having too much food. I love having too much food, it occurs to me. I've never properly starved, but I've had enough food shortages in my life that I can occasionally get weird about having food. Not hoarding-level, but minor, sporadic gluttonousness.
lykomancer: (Gabriel)
I have the sexiest werewolf on the planet. LIEKWHOA, hardcore.

Admire the hotness that is Gabriel Koboyashi, second beast of Revelations, right hand woman/wolf to Satan, assassin, smartass. )

*wibbles, then licks the beastie*
I so need to get cracking on Blessed Be. Gabriel must be written in all of her sexy, sexy glory.

The icon, interstingly enough, is actually a scan from one of Hirano Kouta's earlier pre-Hellsing manga that I cropped and colored to be Gabriel. It was too perfect for me not to.
lykomancer: (I'm a work of art)
It's one o'clock in the morning and there is the taste of carmel and coconut in my mouth and my headphones are directing the jangling piano and nonsensical yet somehow pleasing Japanese lyrics of a blasphemous and bloody anime into my head. My fingers dance along the keys and I think yes, yes, this is what i need to have on my "soundtrack" for the rewrite of Blessed Be...
I wait until the end and then find "Easy Jesus", another clear pick, and listen as I write, wishing that it wasn't one in the morning, wishing I didn't have neighbors, wishing my roommates wouldn't be disturbed if I suddenly cranked the volume and began gutturally snarling along with the song.

/walking down the freeway and the moon is gone
talking to the stars and waiting for the sun
the moon is gone
the moon is lost
I see the blackness and the plastic neon cross/

All of my older stories are getting butchered in my head. Some of them I won't even pick up for fear of the damage I might wreak upon their helpless descriptions and paper characters, on the words stacked like squat little brick houses. I look at the cozy little cottages and I think no, no, this is all wrong. we need porthole windows and double french doors; we need another room, another floor, eaves and scrollwork and flying buttresses. you can't have flying buttresses in sturdy brick bungalows. what was i thinking?
There's nothing actually wrong with those houses; it just finally occurs to me that I might use those same bricks instead to build a castle or a tower or an obelisk, but just the same, they are good houses, and I'm afraid that if I tear them down I might not be able to build a castle and then I wouldn't have anything to shelter my story and characters... I wouldn't have anything but the idea shivering out in the cold and an unsorted crumbling pile of broken words.

There was yet another unidentifiable and unknown person who had friended me. I friended them back. I'm such a sucker for an audience.

I finally have some breathing time this weekend. I can finally catch up on my homework. I can go to the gym. I can read all those books I've bought recently and have not had the time to read (The Right to Write, Wolf Night, The Chronicles of Narnia). I can watch all the anime I've downloaded and haven't been able to watch.
I can write and write until my fingers ache and the screen is dirty and blurry to my weary eyes, catching up to all those thoughts I've been writing down and have not addressed.
And I will write and write and write. Reams of analysis and explanation and personal essay and memoir and horror and fantasy. I hope to have another ten pages of my new draft of Blessed Be (damn, that thing needs a new name! Any suggestions?) and thirty pages addressing other issues typed up by Monday.

You want an anime microfanfiction? Challenge me. Give me series and a germ of an idea, and I'll give you a story, 100-500 words. Any series you know I am familiar with; any genre (AU, WAFF, humor, crossover, etc.); any pairing (yes, even hetero. God, the horror).

Look out world! Jess's inner demon muse is chained to the oar.
lykomancer: (depressed)
Several drabbles from my Writing the Spiritual Journey class:

Write about a smell )

Then Elizabeth asked us to make a list of unanswerable life questions, and then had us try to come up with an early memory associated with the question. Mine disturbed me.

What am I supposed to be doing with my life? )

I think sometime that this body is an inappropriate vehicle for the sublime. I want to destroy it so that others can see me as I really am.
lykomancer: (Pissed at myself)
-- Thomas Hobbes

...This is going to be a long and soul-searching bit of drabble. You've been warned.

I chose my title quote because, as some of you may know, I am plagued by despair. Whether this is a symptom of my chemical inbalance-caused depression, a result of my natural cynicism and anger, a healthy and normal reaction to this crazy, fucked-up world, a manifestation (along with apathy) of learned helplessness, none of the above or all of the above...I don't care.
(Although, for what it's worth, I'm voting on answer F) All of the above.)

[What's another night all alone / When you're spending every day on your own? / Here we go...]

I feel so lost so much of the time. Nothing's right, even when nothing's wrong. I don't have any energy, any inspiration, any drive or goal other than-- most of the time-- finding out what in the hell is wrong with me. I feel restless and lazy and angry and apathetic all at once. I want to climb the walls, but not have to leave my bed.

[I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare / I'm just a kid and I know that it's not fair /...and the world is havin' more fun than me]

I've gotten angry-- I suppose envious is a better word-- at others who seem to have goals and plans; people who at least sort of know what they want to do make me so damn mad. They don't inspire me; they infuriate me.
And yeah, I've gotten the It's perfectly natural for you to not know what you want to do... it might be that you don't figure it out until you're 25/30/42/60/dead. That would be fine if just wanted a plan or goal, but that's not how I feel; I feel like I'm wandering around missing some vital part of me, like an arm or my liver, but I don't know what's missing or how I can make the aching stop.
Another analogy: It's like when you see someone else do something you used to be an expert at, but now can't can't grip a pencil to draw because of carpel tunnel, or speak out because it's a dream, or whatever...and all you can do is stand there, ripped apart with jealousy and longing and possessiveness, struggling to live vicariously through this other person and failing because they -aren't- you.

[I'll try to think about the last time / I had a good time / Everyone's got somewhere to go / And they're gonna leave me here on my own]

It doesn't sound logical. I know that. I'm not stupid.
But goddammit, I'm supposed to be doing something-- something important, something major. Something that would make a difference for the better in this shithole world for a lot of people.
I know that, too. I know it in my heart, in my bones and blood; I know it, and it is undeniable-- I know, because I have been trying to deny it for years.
There's a damned reason I am here, now, in this place, skilled in the areas I am, with the quirky charisma I seem to have...and I want to know what that reason is.

Hey, you'd be pissed too if you kept feeling like the butt of a really immature cosmic joke.
(Actually, I'm reminded of something like "Pin the Tail on the Donkey"-- I'm clutching the tail, blindfolded and dizzy, stumbling around the room, while god(s) laugh and occasionally (drunkenly) try to "help".)
The Universe should be glad I don't hold grudges.

[What the fuck is wrong with me? / Don't fit in... / How did this happen to me?]

What brought all this on? my faithful readers might be asking.
Short answer: the sermon this morning at church.
Longer answer: I'm been feeling even more out of whack lately... just nauseas with the feeling. And I've been thinking about it more and more, wondering where I'm actually going. It's been building. Then I went to church and the sermon was on daring to dream, doing the impossible, and how to handle it when a dream of the impossible takes over your life.

[We all know there's always something tearing you apart / It's always so much longer than you counted on / And it hits you so much harder then you thought / But you don't worry, you don't worry / Cause you've got soul]

*scowl, glare, middle finger at the heavens* ...fine! Fine. I'll play this game. I got nothing to lose but my mind anyway.

[Amen... Good night, amen...]

I will get my =fucking= M.Div., and I will get =fucking= ordained, and I will get a thrice-cursed congregation if I damned well have to.
Point me in the general vicinity and I'll do my best to give the paper ass his tail, ok?

Jess is playing ball with the universe, and she bloody well expects to win.

Ah, hai, so da. It doesn't quite follow the form perfectly but, here's my sestina for you. )

~"For as long as space endures
And for as long as living beings remain
Until then may I too abide
To dispel the misery of the world."

--The Way of the Bodhisattva - Shantideva - 8th century

...God, either Jenny's making waffles or I'm experiencing the olfactory symptoms of schizophrenia. I hope it's the former, for several reasons.
lykomancer: (Default)
Ah, the Sanitarium (my apartment).
The one place where you are likely to find at least one person-- actually, usually more than one-- awake at four in the morning on any given day. Honestly, I think at any given time, you are likely to find at least one household member awake... doesn't matter if you check in at 6 am or midnight or 2 in the afternoon; someone will be awake.

I was going to go to bed after I finished Juvenile Orion #1 around two. YOu can clearly see how well that worked out. (Juvenile Orion = very good, thus far. Worth the money. New collection starting.)

My little window-sitting mascot wolf is staring at me and panting cutely.

Goals for tomorrow:
-- Go for a walk if the weather is nice like it was today, possibly to the coffee shop down Franklin called The Wolves' Den.
-- Maybe go to the gym. =sigh=
-- Work out some more finances.
-- Write a sestina.
-- Finish sewing Owen's pants.
-- Fax my Social Security number to the financial aid people who are numerically illiterate and cannot tell the different between a "3" and a "5".

...I think that's it. Don't want to make the list too long, or nothing will get done.
lykomancer: (Default)
I don't know what I think of this AT ALL. It's kind of trauma-inducing, but I'm smiling/giggling hysterically, so...

[WARNING! NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART! (or possibly Jenny.)]


Father Anderson, where are your clothes!?

*furtively favs*

Um... Right. Moving right along...


Here's some more of my stupid story that I should be working on but am-- for the most part-- really not.

Blessed Be

Story time

Jul. 29th, 2004 01:00 am
lykomancer: (Default)
Angela needs something to read/beta. I know she does. So I'll provide for her a little.

Blessed Be-- Prologue )

They are discussing the Antichrist, btw. Yay!
lykomancer: (Default)
I should so be writing more on my capstone instead of writing here.

Oops. My bad.

It's been a strange semester.
I mean, I knew over Christmas Break that I was going to have to write my capstone, and had rummaged through various things from X-Files comic books and videos to the Bible looking for inspiration. What ended up tapping over something in my brain was Lawrence Gardner's The Bloodline of the Holy Grail, in which he ties everything from Gothic cathedral stained glass windows to the ability of the Ark of the Covenant to conduct electricity (to the Knights Templar to King Arthur to the legend of the unicorn) to Jesus surviving the Crucifixion and the continued legacy of Jesus and Mary Magdelene in the West.
This perked me up, and go me interested in things I've always been interested in but never delved into completely not tied together.
Then I spent a lot of time smashed between two crazy otakus in a madhouse of Inuyasha, Hellsing, Chrno Crusade, Full Metal Alchemist, and Scrapped Princess. Looney otaku who like to analyse everything and rip a series to bleeding pieces and inspire one another to horrible, horrible fanfic and -art.
And I'm in Intro to Christian Theology.

Lots of stuff is turning over in my mind. Percolating down through the seams in my brain and forming steaming puddles of mental refuse at the bottom of my skull.

Angels, gods, demons, Nephilim... power. Death. Heaven, hell, pergatory. Youkai, daimons, hanyou. Vampires. Ritual. Nuclear annhilation. Prayer. Lucifer, Lilith, Lady of the Lake. The Antichrist. The Fall, the Apocalypse, the Apocrypha, Gnosticism. Philos = love. Sophia = wisdom. The Serpent in the Garden, the apples of Avalon, the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge, the golden apples Hercules had to fetch from the Garden of Hesperides, the leaf of the Tree of Immortality carried off by the guardian serpent Ningizzida. The five rivers of the realm of Pluto: Acheron, Cocytus, Phelethon, Lethe, Styx. Pandemonium. "Bedlam", derived from "Bethlehem." The Hero's Journey.

I may do something with this soon. My capstone project does tie a lot of things together, but I am learning and seeing so much more that I cannot write into it. Rythyms and patterns that exist on a different thread. New stories; new ideas.


lykomancer: (Default)

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