I used to be so much more expressive

[lykomancer]

If I knew how to quit without committing suicide, I would.

Then again, committing suicide would be far more pro-active of an action than I am capable of taking at this juncture in time. If I had that kind of resolve, I wouldn't be in this position.




I think I hate my job.

I despise the customers deeply, and wish to God I could just tell them how stupid I think most of them are. I resent the condescending ones and the arrogant, insecure ones equally-- both look at me like I'm less than human, just a servant there to tend to their wishes without a thought of my own.

I'm bored all the time. All the time. Even when I'm overworked, answering questions on the fly while finding cds and shelving and running back to the register to ring someone up... Even then, on a fundamental level, I'm bored. There's no intellectual stimuli, no mental challenge (other than not telling people off), and creativity of any type is usually discouraged.

I am not paid enough and I'm not getting enough hours.

I could fight for more hours, but I hate being there. I want to call in sick every day. I come home and get high so that I can forget that I just wasted hours of my life doing nothing and getting looked down on for it, so that I can forget that I wanted to be somebody and now I'm just...nothing.

And I don't know how to fix it.


I'm so tired of money problems.

Every month, I scrape by and I cry; I cry because no matter how hard I try to scrimp and save, I'm always just scraping by.


Student loans collection agencies are calling me all the time. I can't do anything. I barely have money for rent; I can't afford to pay them a single cent. I won't talk to them because I've got nothing to say...well, nothing more than, "When you can squeeze blood from a stone, call me back", and that's not productive.

I'm surprised they haven't started garnishing my wages yet, and when they do, money's going to be so much tighter that I feel nauseous thinking about it. They can also claim my tax refunds, so I can't count on that money either.


I loved going to college. It was the best time of my entire life. But I'm starting to wish I hadn't ever gone.

I miss my friends, even though it's my fault I don't stay in touch. I miss the community I was apart of. I miss Lake Superior and the soft rolling hills furred with maple and oak and spruce. I miss having fun.

I have a worthless, useless degree.

I also have probably a hundred thousand dollars in debt.

I have a petty, pathetic job that a high school drop-out could do just as capably as I and I can't afford even basic shelter on my own, much less utilities and food and loan bills.

All I want is to be alone.


I feel so worthless. I want to lay down and not ever get back up again. I want to run away and worry about what I'm doing later.

Every time I do try, every time I make an effort, it's always futile.
How many times have I tried to get another job? Yeah, that's been successful.
What about looking into community projects? Oh, they always happen to be scheduled on a day I'm working-- ALWAYS, goddammit.


I...

I just want to start over again.


I don't even know where I went wrong, but I so desperately want to start all over again.


I don't want much. I just want to be appreciated and useful in my workplace and not in complete poverty at home. That's all. It's not like I want something unreasonable.


I just want something I apparently can't have.

Comments

[ozen.livejournal.com]

Despair is epidemic.

I still admire you just for existing as yourself, for who you are. I know that doesn't amount to more than Hallmark-card consolation, flowers to a funeral as if the deceased could appreciate their scent, but -

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

I just wish that I didn't have to constantly analyze everything I do, looking for some way to improve my situation, like some kind of harried, hunted animal.

I just wish I didn't feel like a modern peasant, unable to do more than scratch out a living under the oppressive system.

I wish I could help other people out instead of being selfish all the time.

*sighs*

[lyarrah.livejournal.com]

I can't do very much more than offer my condelences... but know that it WILL get better. I've fought my way out of similar problems, and while I wasn't in as much debt as you, I'm sure you can get out of it.

I can help you out with trying to make a better resume or find jobs in your area that are good. You sadly may have to sell off a few of your possessions in order to get things started; quite frequently, if you can get your debts up to date, you can consolidate them or at the very least negotiate a couple months to not pay.

A debt consolidation place might be able to help, too.

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

I've been talking to a friend who works with financial aid collection agencies; no one's doing consolidations right now, he says, because there's too much risk.

I've been avoiding paying my student loans for five years now. *sighs* A little while longer doesn't really matter. I just worry that I'm never going to be able to pay basic bills and get out of debt.


I can help you out with trying to make a better resume or find jobs in your area that are good.

I would accept that. I revamped my resume myself last fall, and I think it looks okay, but I can't seem to get anyone to look at it. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

[lyarrah.livejournal.com]

I managed to fight my way into a variable commission sales job where I'm looking at about 60k a year, give or take depending on how well I do... and that's from three years of retail experience and half a degree. I don't know if my job exists in your area/is something you'd be interested in, but if you're good at sales, there might be something similar in your area.

You just have to have faith that things will get better and that you can do things with just the skills you have; you just have to know where to look.

I'll send you my resume, less personal info, as an example; my father (The young, hip one, not the old CPA) compiled it for me, and the jobs have been going good since then.

Do you like more people-side stuff or more stock-side stuff? Are you comfortable with commission positions, or prefer something less variable? What, other than good pay, is the one thing you most want in a job to make you happy? Are you willing to have two jobs for a while? What special skills do you have, however menial they may seem? Things like this is a good place to start to figure out what you can do to dig yourself out.

Also, what's this "useless" degree?

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

Um, this is going to sound really ignorant, but here ya go: What is "sales"? Like, you talk about working in a "sales" position, and I have no idea what this means. The only two things that even sort of float through my mind are a) retail, because that's where I hear the word "sales" most often, and b) a pyramid scheme, because every time someone's tried to rope me into one, it's been a "sales" job...but everyone talks about "sales" like it's different than retail, and so I have no idea what's actually being discussed here.


My useless degree? It's a BA in Writing.

[lyarrah.livejournal.com]

Okay, first of all, that BA in writing isn't as useless as you might think. Tutoring, ghostwriting (there's always SOMETHING on craigslist for that), journalism, high school teaching, and a couple of nearly-pyramid-scheme-but-not-really write for cash sites come to mind.

Second of all... sales refers primarily to selling any product. Retail technically falls under that but has more of a customer service requirement with it, too. My new job is literally selling yellow page advertisements, which honestly hasn't turned out too shabby so far. There are some similar positions in things like insurance or banking that do amount to little more than pyramid schemes, sadly... But for some examples from my own work place: One woman used to work for coca-cola selling vending machines. One of the guys sold software business to business. Another was a car salesman (shockingly still profitable these days!).

Taking up a hobby like jewelerymaking might work for you, too; a friend invested about $50 into her initial supplies, and now makes about $1000 a month selling handmade jewelery both to local stores (look for places with names like Local Charm, Beautiful by Hand, Sante Fe Charm, etc) and the flea market.

Depending on your experience, you may also be able to pop into a local Arbys or Sonic as an assistant management position.

I spent the last three years working an average of two jobs at a time, no job more than 8.50 an hour, working anywhere from 12 to 86 hours a week depending on how things were going at the time; it's a hard road, but, you can likely make it.

Once you've gotten far enough to peck away at the situation and gotten your credit back on the right track, check out P2P loan sites; some of them are really good, and there's ones specifically for college loans.

Is your email up somewhere I can see it? If not, IM me with it, or there's an entry on my LJ that ways something to the effect of "I wanna send people stuff, this one's screened, you're safe to post here"; put your email there, and I'll send you that resume copy.

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

Sorry... I just kind of...got overwhelmed with all of everyone's responses. It's not you; I'm a bad communicator sometimes-- like when I'm trying to ignore problems.

Right now everything's a mess. I don't want to explain it all because that ends up making me look pathetic.

Thanks for the help, though.

[lyarrah.livejournal.com]

Don't worry, as long as you're reasonably okay, that's what matters.

We all have our pathetic moments, but the good thing about rock bottom is you can only go up.

[die-monster.livejournal.com]

Wow, this sounds so much like my life it's utterly horrifying. Honestly, I haven't the first damn clue what I'm even going to do to pay rent and medical bills, in debt, student loans, hate my job, worthless degree, etc. If you find out what to do about this, let me know, and I swear I'd do the same. =/

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. I don't know what to do anymore. Even if I got another job, at this point, it'd likely just be another retail job, or waitressing. That's really not any different that what I am already doing, and I'd lose all my raises and health care and all that. Whatever new job I try to get, it has to be a VAST improvement, otherwise it's not worth it.

[bakkhos.livejournal.com]

I feel you, I really do. I don't know what to say other than have you tried applying for a student loan deferment? You can get a six-month deferment based on economic difficulties. That's different from an unemployment deferment.

Useless degrees are useless. I have one myself. You can't get by anymore without a masters these days, I think. Have you tried applying for a masters in something? If you work for a public agency for ten years (easier to do with a masters) you can have the rest of your student loan debt forgiven. My goal is to work full time, get tuition reimbursement to pay for part-time grad school classes, and get a masters so I can work for the St. Paul public schools.

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

See, there's a lot of problems with my loans that I admit are my own fault.

1) I have no idea how much I actually owe.
2) I have no idea to whom I owe this money.
3) I don't know if I can defer anymore.
4) I have no idea how to get this information without getting stuck in a phone conversation that will make me screaming hysterical...

...which is why I don't know any of it. I'm terrified to talk to these people.


f you work for a public agency for ten years (easier to do with a masters) you can have the rest of your student loan debt forgiven.

What do you mean, a public agency? Can you give me an example?

[lyarrah.livejournal.com]

Chances are you owe them to Sally Mae; most of America does.

Trust me that that phone call is worth making. You will be sobbing by the end of it, you will barely be able to get out ten words to anyone during any of it, you will likely have an anxiety attack if you're prone to them.

But at the end of it, you'll be glad you did, because you'll know what you're up against, you'll have a starting point to venture out from, and you'll feel like you have a shot at taking control again. Yeah, the road will seem long and crazy an trecherous, but man, once you get things started? It feels so good.

/story of how I started paying my credit cards.

[bakkhos.livejournal.com]

Actually, you don't have to call the student loan companies to find out how much you owe. At least that's been my experience. Most student loans come from the federal government (I'm going to assume you have more from them than from private loan companies.) They are required to mail you quarterly interest statements that list how much interest has accrued on your loan. This will tell you what company has distributed your federal loan. With that info, you can go online to that company and look at how much you owe. Otherwise, call your college's financial aid dept. and ask if they have a record of who distributed your loans. They should have that info.

The federal gov't loan people, in my experience, are better to talk to than private loan sharks.

Here is more info about the public service forgiveness program:

http://www.finaid.org/loans/publicservice.phtml

Here are some more loan forgiveness programs. For you, you might seriously want to think about serving in the peace corps:

http://www.finaid.org/loans/forgiveness.phtml

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

For you, you might seriously want to think about serving in the peace corps:

I actually can't afford the Peacecorps. I tried once before, and the medical check-ups alone were staggering.

Because I wear glasses, I'd need an eye exam and two new pairs of glasses.
Because I'm female, I'd need a pelvic and some way to take care of birth control.
Because I'm overweight, I'd need a physical check up and fitness exam.
And in addition to all that, I'd need ALL of my dental work done-- and that includes wisdom teeth removal, two root canals and crowns, and probably 20 fillings. My dental work alone is going to cost me around $3000, even with my insurance.

Peacecorps only reimburses about $500-$700 of all that.

And then there's the cost of fingerprinting, background checks, and anything else I'd need to file.

In addition to that, I'd have to put all my stuff in storage and pay for that for two years.

I actually went to seminary only after I realized that participating in the Peacecorps was an impossible dream.


I know I should be more pro-active about my loans, but mostly they just make me crazy. I want to hide from them forever and never, ever deal with them again.

This is Not Practical, I know that.

I'll try to take a look at stuff later, after work. Thank you for the help.

[bakkhos.livejournal.com]

Try Americorps then. Seriously. It's the local version of the peace corps. They pay a modest living allowance and there are awards given to pay off student loans (at least some of them.) Definitely check out their site; you would be perfect for the work. It's for idealistic college grads who want to make a difference in the community:

http://www.americorps.org/for_individuals/benefits/index.asp

[ozen.livejournal.com]

*nods*

There are a ton of Northland folks who did the AmeriCorps thing, and I haven't heard anything atrocious about it.

[ozen.livejournal.com]

See if you can bribe someone into talking to the loan vultures for you, just to get the basics and jot it down. If the assholes on the other end say they'll only talk to you personally, have the person pretend they're your attorney.

/shot in the dark

[nifty-trousers.livejournal.com]

Man, ouch.
For most things I recommend masturbation and a good nights rest, but oddly enough that doesn't help pay the bills.

No clue if its an option for you, but if you can get them, I've seen university jobs do pretty well for people. Some places are on a hiring freeze while others are needing more staff to handle increased student populations, but usually there's at least a generic opening or two. I'd suggest Purdue right here but that's a bit of a move and I'd consider the landscape a downgrade. Still, if you find something around here you know you have someone to bitch at and a place to stay for a week or two to sort out your own place.

http://purdue.taleo.net/careersection/wl/joblist.ftl?lang=en&portal=10140480283

But yea, retail is shit all around. I think if you can get out of anything with variable hours it would do much for your income and sanity, even if its something like being a garbage person or maintenance worker.

Wasn't college tits? That perfect time where you have lots of freedom and not quite too many responsibilities just yet. I still look at my student loan every month and remember I still don't have a degree at all from that mess, but damn i wouldn't replace those memories for anything.

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

If I was a garbage collector of maintenance person, I'd also feel like my job meant something to society, too; there's a definite purpose to those things that's lacking in my life.


I'm okay. I just get like this sometimes.

[melty-lemon.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't think you're worthless - nor your degree. And if that counts for anything, you can add it to all the spiffy info the lovely people above me have contributed and you've got a pretty good pool of... um... you get what I mean. It's early D:
And anyway, you have a vadge that can crack walnuts - gonna let the candy-ass balls of The Man get in the way of that? XD

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

Ugh. The Man has me by the wallet, unfortunately.

I'm just tired of fighting all the time. And all on the news are those fucking Wall Street execs getting their insanely huge bonuses, bonuses that are going to be taken out of my paychecks in the form of taxes while I grind myself to the bone trying to make in a year what they've been making every day.

[melty-lemon.livejournal.com]

First, there was the guy with the bigger cave. Then there was the Emperors and shit, then there were the feudal lords, then there were the Wall Street Fuckers. They'll never go away, even if you live in a time where people speak in only a handful of syllables.

Tight times suck, but there's always a silver lining - says little miss sunshine. Feel free to punch my foaming avatar.