I used to be so much more expressive

[lykomancer]

If I knew how to quit without committing suicide, I would.

Then again, committing suicide would be far more pro-active of an action than I am capable of taking at this juncture in time. If I had that kind of resolve, I wouldn't be in this position.




I think I hate my job.

I despise the customers deeply, and wish to God I could just tell them how stupid I think most of them are. I resent the condescending ones and the arrogant, insecure ones equally-- both look at me like I'm less than human, just a servant there to tend to their wishes without a thought of my own.

I'm bored all the time. All the time. Even when I'm overworked, answering questions on the fly while finding cds and shelving and running back to the register to ring someone up... Even then, on a fundamental level, I'm bored. There's no intellectual stimuli, no mental challenge (other than not telling people off), and creativity of any type is usually discouraged.

I am not paid enough and I'm not getting enough hours.

I could fight for more hours, but I hate being there. I want to call in sick every day. I come home and get high so that I can forget that I just wasted hours of my life doing nothing and getting looked down on for it, so that I can forget that I wanted to be somebody and now I'm just...nothing.

And I don't know how to fix it.


I'm so tired of money problems.

Every month, I scrape by and I cry; I cry because no matter how hard I try to scrimp and save, I'm always just scraping by.


Student loans collection agencies are calling me all the time. I can't do anything. I barely have money for rent; I can't afford to pay them a single cent. I won't talk to them because I've got nothing to say...well, nothing more than, "When you can squeeze blood from a stone, call me back", and that's not productive.

I'm surprised they haven't started garnishing my wages yet, and when they do, money's going to be so much tighter that I feel nauseous thinking about it. They can also claim my tax refunds, so I can't count on that money either.


I loved going to college. It was the best time of my entire life. But I'm starting to wish I hadn't ever gone.

I miss my friends, even though it's my fault I don't stay in touch. I miss the community I was apart of. I miss Lake Superior and the soft rolling hills furred with maple and oak and spruce. I miss having fun.

I have a worthless, useless degree.

I also have probably a hundred thousand dollars in debt.

I have a petty, pathetic job that a high school drop-out could do just as capably as I and I can't afford even basic shelter on my own, much less utilities and food and loan bills.

All I want is to be alone.


I feel so worthless. I want to lay down and not ever get back up again. I want to run away and worry about what I'm doing later.

Every time I do try, every time I make an effort, it's always futile.
How many times have I tried to get another job? Yeah, that's been successful.
What about looking into community projects? Oh, they always happen to be scheduled on a day I'm working-- ALWAYS, goddammit.


I...

I just want to start over again.


I don't even know where I went wrong, but I so desperately want to start all over again.


I don't want much. I just want to be appreciated and useful in my workplace and not in complete poverty at home. That's all. It's not like I want something unreasonable.


I just want something I apparently can't have.

Comments

[nifty-trousers.livejournal.com]

Man, ouch.
For most things I recommend masturbation and a good nights rest, but oddly enough that doesn't help pay the bills.

No clue if its an option for you, but if you can get them, I've seen university jobs do pretty well for people. Some places are on a hiring freeze while others are needing more staff to handle increased student populations, but usually there's at least a generic opening or two. I'd suggest Purdue right here but that's a bit of a move and I'd consider the landscape a downgrade. Still, if you find something around here you know you have someone to bitch at and a place to stay for a week or two to sort out your own place.

http://purdue.taleo.net/careersection/wl/joblist.ftl?lang=en&portal=10140480283

But yea, retail is shit all around. I think if you can get out of anything with variable hours it would do much for your income and sanity, even if its something like being a garbage person or maintenance worker.

Wasn't college tits? That perfect time where you have lots of freedom and not quite too many responsibilities just yet. I still look at my student loan every month and remember I still don't have a degree at all from that mess, but damn i wouldn't replace those memories for anything.

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

If I was a garbage collector of maintenance person, I'd also feel like my job meant something to society, too; there's a definite purpose to those things that's lacking in my life.


I'm okay. I just get like this sometimes.