I used to be so much more expressive

[lykomancer]

If I knew how to quit without committing suicide, I would.

Then again, committing suicide would be far more pro-active of an action than I am capable of taking at this juncture in time. If I had that kind of resolve, I wouldn't be in this position.




I think I hate my job.

I despise the customers deeply, and wish to God I could just tell them how stupid I think most of them are. I resent the condescending ones and the arrogant, insecure ones equally-- both look at me like I'm less than human, just a servant there to tend to their wishes without a thought of my own.

I'm bored all the time. All the time. Even when I'm overworked, answering questions on the fly while finding cds and shelving and running back to the register to ring someone up... Even then, on a fundamental level, I'm bored. There's no intellectual stimuli, no mental challenge (other than not telling people off), and creativity of any type is usually discouraged.

I am not paid enough and I'm not getting enough hours.

I could fight for more hours, but I hate being there. I want to call in sick every day. I come home and get high so that I can forget that I just wasted hours of my life doing nothing and getting looked down on for it, so that I can forget that I wanted to be somebody and now I'm just...nothing.

And I don't know how to fix it.


I'm so tired of money problems.

Every month, I scrape by and I cry; I cry because no matter how hard I try to scrimp and save, I'm always just scraping by.


Student loans collection agencies are calling me all the time. I can't do anything. I barely have money for rent; I can't afford to pay them a single cent. I won't talk to them because I've got nothing to say...well, nothing more than, "When you can squeeze blood from a stone, call me back", and that's not productive.

I'm surprised they haven't started garnishing my wages yet, and when they do, money's going to be so much tighter that I feel nauseous thinking about it. They can also claim my tax refunds, so I can't count on that money either.


I loved going to college. It was the best time of my entire life. But I'm starting to wish I hadn't ever gone.

I miss my friends, even though it's my fault I don't stay in touch. I miss the community I was apart of. I miss Lake Superior and the soft rolling hills furred with maple and oak and spruce. I miss having fun.

I have a worthless, useless degree.

I also have probably a hundred thousand dollars in debt.

I have a petty, pathetic job that a high school drop-out could do just as capably as I and I can't afford even basic shelter on my own, much less utilities and food and loan bills.

All I want is to be alone.


I feel so worthless. I want to lay down and not ever get back up again. I want to run away and worry about what I'm doing later.

Every time I do try, every time I make an effort, it's always futile.
How many times have I tried to get another job? Yeah, that's been successful.
What about looking into community projects? Oh, they always happen to be scheduled on a day I'm working-- ALWAYS, goddammit.


I...

I just want to start over again.


I don't even know where I went wrong, but I so desperately want to start all over again.


I don't want much. I just want to be appreciated and useful in my workplace and not in complete poverty at home. That's all. It's not like I want something unreasonable.


I just want something I apparently can't have.

Comments

[bakkhos.livejournal.com]

I feel you, I really do. I don't know what to say other than have you tried applying for a student loan deferment? You can get a six-month deferment based on economic difficulties. That's different from an unemployment deferment.

Useless degrees are useless. I have one myself. You can't get by anymore without a masters these days, I think. Have you tried applying for a masters in something? If you work for a public agency for ten years (easier to do with a masters) you can have the rest of your student loan debt forgiven. My goal is to work full time, get tuition reimbursement to pay for part-time grad school classes, and get a masters so I can work for the St. Paul public schools.

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

See, there's a lot of problems with my loans that I admit are my own fault.

1) I have no idea how much I actually owe.
2) I have no idea to whom I owe this money.
3) I don't know if I can defer anymore.
4) I have no idea how to get this information without getting stuck in a phone conversation that will make me screaming hysterical...

...which is why I don't know any of it. I'm terrified to talk to these people.


f you work for a public agency for ten years (easier to do with a masters) you can have the rest of your student loan debt forgiven.

What do you mean, a public agency? Can you give me an example?

[lyarrah.livejournal.com]

Chances are you owe them to Sally Mae; most of America does.

Trust me that that phone call is worth making. You will be sobbing by the end of it, you will barely be able to get out ten words to anyone during any of it, you will likely have an anxiety attack if you're prone to them.

But at the end of it, you'll be glad you did, because you'll know what you're up against, you'll have a starting point to venture out from, and you'll feel like you have a shot at taking control again. Yeah, the road will seem long and crazy an trecherous, but man, once you get things started? It feels so good.

/story of how I started paying my credit cards.

[bakkhos.livejournal.com]

Actually, you don't have to call the student loan companies to find out how much you owe. At least that's been my experience. Most student loans come from the federal government (I'm going to assume you have more from them than from private loan companies.) They are required to mail you quarterly interest statements that list how much interest has accrued on your loan. This will tell you what company has distributed your federal loan. With that info, you can go online to that company and look at how much you owe. Otherwise, call your college's financial aid dept. and ask if they have a record of who distributed your loans. They should have that info.

The federal gov't loan people, in my experience, are better to talk to than private loan sharks.

Here is more info about the public service forgiveness program:

http://www.finaid.org/loans/publicservice.phtml

Here are some more loan forgiveness programs. For you, you might seriously want to think about serving in the peace corps:

http://www.finaid.org/loans/forgiveness.phtml

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

For you, you might seriously want to think about serving in the peace corps:

I actually can't afford the Peacecorps. I tried once before, and the medical check-ups alone were staggering.

Because I wear glasses, I'd need an eye exam and two new pairs of glasses.
Because I'm female, I'd need a pelvic and some way to take care of birth control.
Because I'm overweight, I'd need a physical check up and fitness exam.
And in addition to all that, I'd need ALL of my dental work done-- and that includes wisdom teeth removal, two root canals and crowns, and probably 20 fillings. My dental work alone is going to cost me around $3000, even with my insurance.

Peacecorps only reimburses about $500-$700 of all that.

And then there's the cost of fingerprinting, background checks, and anything else I'd need to file.

In addition to that, I'd have to put all my stuff in storage and pay for that for two years.

I actually went to seminary only after I realized that participating in the Peacecorps was an impossible dream.


I know I should be more pro-active about my loans, but mostly they just make me crazy. I want to hide from them forever and never, ever deal with them again.

This is Not Practical, I know that.

I'll try to take a look at stuff later, after work. Thank you for the help.

[bakkhos.livejournal.com]

Try Americorps then. Seriously. It's the local version of the peace corps. They pay a modest living allowance and there are awards given to pay off student loans (at least some of them.) Definitely check out their site; you would be perfect for the work. It's for idealistic college grads who want to make a difference in the community:

http://www.americorps.org/for_individuals/benefits/index.asp

[ozen.livejournal.com]

*nods*

There are a ton of Northland folks who did the AmeriCorps thing, and I haven't heard anything atrocious about it.

[ozen.livejournal.com]

See if you can bribe someone into talking to the loan vultures for you, just to get the basics and jot it down. If the assholes on the other end say they'll only talk to you personally, have the person pretend they're your attorney.

/shot in the dark