I used to be so much more expressive

[lykomancer]

If I knew how to quit without committing suicide, I would.

Then again, committing suicide would be far more pro-active of an action than I am capable of taking at this juncture in time. If I had that kind of resolve, I wouldn't be in this position.




I think I hate my job.

I despise the customers deeply, and wish to God I could just tell them how stupid I think most of them are. I resent the condescending ones and the arrogant, insecure ones equally-- both look at me like I'm less than human, just a servant there to tend to their wishes without a thought of my own.

I'm bored all the time. All the time. Even when I'm overworked, answering questions on the fly while finding cds and shelving and running back to the register to ring someone up... Even then, on a fundamental level, I'm bored. There's no intellectual stimuli, no mental challenge (other than not telling people off), and creativity of any type is usually discouraged.

I am not paid enough and I'm not getting enough hours.

I could fight for more hours, but I hate being there. I want to call in sick every day. I come home and get high so that I can forget that I just wasted hours of my life doing nothing and getting looked down on for it, so that I can forget that I wanted to be somebody and now I'm just...nothing.

And I don't know how to fix it.


I'm so tired of money problems.

Every month, I scrape by and I cry; I cry because no matter how hard I try to scrimp and save, I'm always just scraping by.


Student loans collection agencies are calling me all the time. I can't do anything. I barely have money for rent; I can't afford to pay them a single cent. I won't talk to them because I've got nothing to say...well, nothing more than, "When you can squeeze blood from a stone, call me back", and that's not productive.

I'm surprised they haven't started garnishing my wages yet, and when they do, money's going to be so much tighter that I feel nauseous thinking about it. They can also claim my tax refunds, so I can't count on that money either.


I loved going to college. It was the best time of my entire life. But I'm starting to wish I hadn't ever gone.

I miss my friends, even though it's my fault I don't stay in touch. I miss the community I was apart of. I miss Lake Superior and the soft rolling hills furred with maple and oak and spruce. I miss having fun.

I have a worthless, useless degree.

I also have probably a hundred thousand dollars in debt.

I have a petty, pathetic job that a high school drop-out could do just as capably as I and I can't afford even basic shelter on my own, much less utilities and food and loan bills.

All I want is to be alone.


I feel so worthless. I want to lay down and not ever get back up again. I want to run away and worry about what I'm doing later.

Every time I do try, every time I make an effort, it's always futile.
How many times have I tried to get another job? Yeah, that's been successful.
What about looking into community projects? Oh, they always happen to be scheduled on a day I'm working-- ALWAYS, goddammit.


I...

I just want to start over again.


I don't even know where I went wrong, but I so desperately want to start all over again.


I don't want much. I just want to be appreciated and useful in my workplace and not in complete poverty at home. That's all. It's not like I want something unreasonable.


I just want something I apparently can't have.

Comments

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

Um, this is going to sound really ignorant, but here ya go: What is "sales"? Like, you talk about working in a "sales" position, and I have no idea what this means. The only two things that even sort of float through my mind are a) retail, because that's where I hear the word "sales" most often, and b) a pyramid scheme, because every time someone's tried to rope me into one, it's been a "sales" job...but everyone talks about "sales" like it's different than retail, and so I have no idea what's actually being discussed here.


My useless degree? It's a BA in Writing.

[lyarrah.livejournal.com]

Okay, first of all, that BA in writing isn't as useless as you might think. Tutoring, ghostwriting (there's always SOMETHING on craigslist for that), journalism, high school teaching, and a couple of nearly-pyramid-scheme-but-not-really write for cash sites come to mind.

Second of all... sales refers primarily to selling any product. Retail technically falls under that but has more of a customer service requirement with it, too. My new job is literally selling yellow page advertisements, which honestly hasn't turned out too shabby so far. There are some similar positions in things like insurance or banking that do amount to little more than pyramid schemes, sadly... But for some examples from my own work place: One woman used to work for coca-cola selling vending machines. One of the guys sold software business to business. Another was a car salesman (shockingly still profitable these days!).

Taking up a hobby like jewelerymaking might work for you, too; a friend invested about $50 into her initial supplies, and now makes about $1000 a month selling handmade jewelery both to local stores (look for places with names like Local Charm, Beautiful by Hand, Sante Fe Charm, etc) and the flea market.

Depending on your experience, you may also be able to pop into a local Arbys or Sonic as an assistant management position.

I spent the last three years working an average of two jobs at a time, no job more than 8.50 an hour, working anywhere from 12 to 86 hours a week depending on how things were going at the time; it's a hard road, but, you can likely make it.

Once you've gotten far enough to peck away at the situation and gotten your credit back on the right track, check out P2P loan sites; some of them are really good, and there's ones specifically for college loans.

Is your email up somewhere I can see it? If not, IM me with it, or there's an entry on my LJ that ways something to the effect of "I wanna send people stuff, this one's screened, you're safe to post here"; put your email there, and I'll send you that resume copy.

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

Sorry... I just kind of...got overwhelmed with all of everyone's responses. It's not you; I'm a bad communicator sometimes-- like when I'm trying to ignore problems.

Right now everything's a mess. I don't want to explain it all because that ends up making me look pathetic.

Thanks for the help, though.

[lyarrah.livejournal.com]

Don't worry, as long as you're reasonably okay, that's what matters.

We all have our pathetic moments, but the good thing about rock bottom is you can only go up.