lykomancer: (Exhausted- Ed)
Two Mondays ago, I gave myself a second degree burn on a blisteringly hot coffee mug handle. On the inside of my ring finger. :( It's still healing.

That Wednesday, I went on a date. (Yes, yes I did. His name is Pete and he's "half-girl"-- his words.) I got drunk and consequently spent part of Thursday moderately hungover.

Friday, I fell off a stepladder at work and smashed my head on the end of an aisle. Mild concussion, hell of a gooseegg. Still bruised/tender.

Was doing good until Thursday/yesterday, when I went out with Pete again.
First I cracked my head (again) on the doorframe of his Jeep.

Then I got food poisoning and spent all of yesterday miserable and vomiting. (Why food poisoning? It might have been a hangover, right? ...Except I have NEVER in my life-- and I have drunk much, much more than six beers at various points-- had a hangover that vicious that long. My hangovers don't last longer than a few hours, tops, and I can manage them with strategic ingestion of water, coffee, drugs, and food. This was wretched and totally out of my control. I didn't stop puking until 9pm. UGH.)

Lyko kindly requests a respite from physical pain for a little while. This shit sucks.
lykomancer: (Sweet Smile- Itachi)
For two weeks, my boss scheduled me for opens. I'm 99% diurnal now. Let's see how long this lasts. (Although, to be honest? I do actually feel more energetic now. I'm usually up by 8:30 and bored enough to go for epic, hours-long walks by 10:30.)

Today I:
-- walked to the utility company (2.5 mile round trip) and scheduled power for our new apartment
-- got alcohol for tinctures
-- returned my library books
-- did the dishes
-- did my laundry
-- took the trash out
-- finished The Twelve
-- did my pre-algebra "homework"
-- got transportation money
-- planned out moving with Jinya
-- made tinctures
-- wrote a few paragraphs on my Dragonlance novel

As for my doctor's visit the other week, my bloodwork came back normal. I have to schedule a new appointment, but I need to refile for MinnesotaCare first...especially since I got my $1,700 bill today. Jesus H.

Currently steeping:
Dandelion tincture
Cleavers tincture
Wild violet infused oil.

Pic! )


May. 14th, 2013 09:07 pm
lykomancer: (Sweet Smile- Itachi)
My brain is mush from today's crazy heat; I feel drowsy and warm and nonfunctional.

Went to the doctor's.
Doctor listened to me.
Wrote me a prescription for Celexa for my depression. (It's a new drug for me, so it may or may not work, but it's worth trying.)
Ordered a mess of bloodwork done.
No, seriously, they took like seven vials of the stuff.
Scheduling an ultrasound in the next month to scout for cysts.

*flag wave*
lykomancer: (Exhausted- Ed)
I sort of hate the sudden onset of spring. While everyone else is cheerfully exclaiming, "Isn't it beeeeyyyuuutiful!? and sighing like they've finally reached orgasm, I'm restless and short-tempered and weepy. Oh, and half the time I feel like I'm baking inside of my own skin, which absolutely no one understands; about a third of the people I meet are still cold, and everyone else is happy.


In a few weeks, I'll adjust better. After all, the weather shifted from 45 to 75/80 in about 36 hours, and my body really doesn't like abrupt changes like that. In a few weeks, there will be leaves on the trees and thus some shade instead of blaring sunlight that feels like it's searing my translucent skin to a nice, crispy, well-done consistency.

In a few weeks, I'll be packing and moving. I'll have stuff to do and a lot to think about. I'll be re-experiencing the joys of having my own place, of having space in the fridge for my food, of not living in a cluttered shit-hole.

But right now I'm miserable.

The house is so damn cluttered that even if I began packing what little I have in my room-- most is still in storage from when we moved here, so packing up should only take me a few hours, tops-- there's no where to put the boxes. No where.

The warm weather makes me feel sweaty and nauseous, but also restless, fidgety, obligated to go somewhere and do something so that I don't waste these few temperate days that exist between our frigid, icy winter and tropically hot, humid summer. But I don't know what to do. My piece o' shit bike is still up where I can't get it even if I wanted to ride it. I do go for walks, but they're unsatisfying. There's nothing green yet anywhere except for a few sprouts and a little grass, not even dandelions yet. I go for walks in bare sunlight in empty woods, bored and unfulfilled.

Food, body, weight issues. Trigger warning if this topic is upsetting for you. )

I really want to see a doctor. I need to get on state insurance first. I want to ask about my non-stop periods and hypoglycemia and weight and depression and bad reactions to birth control and non-reactions to anti-depressants.


Apr. 2nd, 2013 11:15 am
lykomancer: (Exhausted- Ed)
I don't know if this is physical depression with none of the mental static or some sub-symptomatic infection I'm fighting off, or what, but I feel like re-heated sludge.

I'm not actually sick. I have a little bit of nasal drain and a slight moderate nasty cough despite having only smoked one cigarette in over a week, but that's not real sickness. What I do have is the body-weary, perpetually exhausted feeling of generalized malaise. All I want to do is sleep-- or at least lay down and not move. I just feel icky.

I'm trying to decide if I'm going to work tonight or not.
On one hand, I'm not actually sick; I should save my sick days for when I am actually sick; this will be the second time I've called in in four months*; it's a short shift, and I've just had two days off and I have tomorrow off too.
On the other hand, I feel dumb and unfocused and exhausted and pretty lousey, and and if I call in today, they might think that I've been sick for a few days because they haven't seen me**. (It looks bad to call in sick and then turn up at work the next day looking fine.)

EDIT: Never mind. I think I may be in the process of losing the fight against some illness. In under an hour, my cough as progressed from "yeah, I have one" to being bad enough to make me retch and vomit up mucus and the few sips of tea I'd taken, and I'm starting to feel something suspiciously like chills. -_-
Okay, then.

* The first time was after I fell three times on my way to the bus stop and had wrenched my hip and smashed my head and knee on concrete. I was filthy, wet, bleeding, and in pain. Yeah, I skipped work that day.

** Two of my managers had the flu last week-- really nasty flu. My immune system might be trying to deal with exposure to that; I don't know. But no one would be surprised if I called in since there's been so much sickness going around.
lykomancer: (Exhausted- Ed)

On and off again flirtation with mid-grade melancholy. Dissatisfaction brightening to apathy briefly before shading back into dissatisfaction, like clouds and sun on a heavily overcast day. Annoyance, gloom. This doesn't have the dignity of true depression, not even mild depression. Depression cuts, its blade so sharp that the first sensation is cold numbness; the pain hits afterward. This feels more like fingering a bruise, only less voluntary and without the masochistic pleasure. There's no storm, no lightning, no thunder, no rain; just clouds and oppressive humidity.

I'm not lonely, precisely. I prefer solitary. Since moving to Owatonna two years ago I have made no new friends at all, and I see the ones I had before I moved less often. (Not that I was particularly sociable even when I could see them more frequently.) I don't mind only having Jinya. That's enough.

Part of me would desperately like to date, although I think this has more with the idea that I want to just to prove that I still can and less to do with any real desire to see someone. I would like to have sex with a real live human being again sometime. That'd be nice. I'd like the assurance that I am still desirable. But other than that...? No. I have no interest in other people. I don't want to met anyone. I don't want to get to know anyone. I don't want to deal with their issues. I don't want to "train" anyone. I don't want to have to explain myself. I don't want to have to defend my boundaries.

I can handle the idea of making a friend, if the opportunity arose. (And I am becoming friend-ish with some of my coworkers.) But getting close enough to "date" someone just makes me feel tired and preemptively irritated.

And I don't feel particularly desirable anymore, which chafes. My hair is strongly grey. I'm pasty white, furry, and overweight. I'm 32, which means I am starting to feel twinges of guilt when I contemplate fucking 20 year olds...guilt, and a little bit like I'm over-reaching. Yes, I could attempt to "fix" the things about myself that bother me: dye my hair, tan, shave, diet and exercise, etc. There are some limitations on those "fixes" (such as the fact that we only have a shower and not a bathtub, and I can't see well enough to shave in the shower while bent double with water pouring in my face to accomplish much of anything other than razor burn...and it's not even worth the effort since I have freaking stubble by the time I get upstairs to my room)...but the real issue is my own stubbornness. I don't want to. I don't need to "fix" my-fucking-self. I don't need to, and by God, I'm not fucking going to.

Some people look at themselves and don't like what they see, so they make these insane or grandiose attempts to correct themselves, make themselves look like what society says they should look like. I look at myself, and when I don't like it, I just make myself deal with it. I'm not sure if that's any more mentally healthy, honestly.

TMI-- blood and genital talk )

Two of my bosses have a horrible flu virus. Here's to hoping I don't have to deal with that, too.
lykomancer: (No Regret & No Future / Itachi)
Another miserable day.

Spent yesterday evening sick, sick, sick. I was okay until half way through How to Train Your Dragon when I started noticing that I was feeling hypoglycemic-ish-- vibrating in my skin, restless, light-headed, queasy. After the movie we went and got food, but I don't know if I ate too fast or ate too much or what, but within twenty minutes I felt wretched, crampy and nauseous. I felt like I ate spiky hunks of metal rather than food.

Nothing's seeming to agree with me right now. I'm still having what feels like uterine cramps; I quite often get the hypoglycemic-ish array of symptoms; I feel queasy or mildly nauseous a lot; I'm snappish and short-tempered and prone to bursting into tears randomly; I've been sleeping several hours more and I still feel tired; I itch like I'm developing a yeast infection; my jaw aches where they removed my wisdom tooth and my right knee pains me like it is developing an Osgood-Schlatter's lump to match the one on the left.
Ugh, and I feel constantly cold.

Even when there's nothing to be frazzled about, I feel frazzled. I started crying today because I looked around the apartment and realized (again) what a mess it is. I don't want to clean with Ed just parked there in the armchair sucked into the internet, totally uncaring while I work my ass off...not to mention the fact that I have to go to work today, so I can't clean anyway. I just want to go back to bed. I thought having two days off would make me feel better, but I feel the same today as I did earlier this week.

I'm just tired of feeling so damned awful. I know as soon as Ed moves out, Jinya's going to be jumping for joy and trying to realign the household into a place she's comfortable and proud to bring people, but that doesn't actually feel like it will be happening as soon as it is; right now I'm so tired of the place looking like shit and there not being enough food in the house and of feeling rundown and of everything else.


Oct. 19th, 2009 09:10 pm
lykomancer: (Hiyori's Rainy Day)
I think I'm getting sick.

Sneezing? Check.
Runny nose? Check.
Stuffed sinuses? Check.
Coughing? Check.
Sore throat? Check.
Fatigue? Check.

Fucking brilliant.


Jun. 5th, 2009 09:40 pm
lykomancer: (Can't Hear You / Too Awesome)
Yesterday, I went 40 minutes on an elliptical machine and 10 minutes on a stationary bike. Got my heart rate up to 169 or so within the first 5 minutes and held it there; worked up a good sweat.

I am not sore at all today. No lactic acid burn in my muscles at all.

Jinya and I walked to the park and back. She was the one complaining she was tired.

Damn, that even impresses me.

I kick ass. Yay.

Contemplating some changes on my wanna-be novel. I've slacked off on it for two weeks, but I'm still thinking about it. I need to brain-storm some more.

Stuck at 700 words on my fanfic, too. Where the hell that's that going, I have no idea.

My container garden is growing! My carrots and chives look a little pathetic, but I think I just need to move them into better sun. My salad greens are doing pretty good. The strawberries aren't thriving, but they're still producing a handful of berries per week.
(The petunias are thriving like mofos. I can't figure out why they're doing so much better than everything else; they get the same water and sunlight. WTF.)
lykomancer: (Mr. Grumpy-Pants)

I think I broke my left pinky toe again.

lykomancer: (Nap)
Yesterday afternoon, I was kind of out-of-sorts and my throat was a bit sore.

This morning, I am calling in to work because I am running a fever, my throat is sandpapered, and my head is full of snot.

...this is the flu from hell.
lykomancer: (Why Me?)
So, I was sick over my vacation two weeks ago. Influenza or something like it-- pneumonia or bronchitis, maybe; it was pretty vile.

Then it moved into a mild sinus infection that steadily got worse.

Now the fucking shit's in my ear. My right ear, to be specific. I'm on day three of my antibiotics; I've slept for about 24 hours straight; and I can't hear shit. My ear's plugged solid with mucus or something. The pain from the pressure has made me cry and resort to a diet of Aleve.

My managers must think I'm sick all the time.

I swear to god that it's that place. The stress. The lack of daylight. All the other crap.



Sep. 24th, 2007 10:18 am
lykomancer: (Rock-bottom)
Tried to eat breakfast. It didn't go down very easily.

Went to work. Managed to get office shit done.
Promptly got told to go home and got a ride from Manager Dan.

I think I'm going back to bed.

[EDIT: Annnnnnd, yup, the guy scheduled to paint the windows had to come by today. No rest for the wicked.]
lykomancer: (Sucks to be me)
Brilliant me, I food poisoned myself Wednesday night with my as-usual extremely undercooked burgers, and spent all of yesterday sick as hell and purging everything from my system.
I threw up so much and so hard that it hurts to breath-- my muscles are that sore still.

I think I'm going back to not eating beef again.
lykomancer: (Stained)
Ehhhhhh... Life's not fun right now.
Life is, in fact, a pain in the ass.

I'm really fucking tired, and my hips hurt badly enough that I caught myself limping on the way home, this was the longest five hour shift EVER, and I got to get up at freaking 7 am to go back in for another 6 hours.
I don't want to get up and I don't want to go back there and I'm tired of my back and hips screaming in pain. This SUCKS; I want a REFUND.

And then I have to get some reading done for Ethics-- since I've done absolutely none of the work for either of my classes in weeks-- and then get up dirt-early on Monday so that I can deposit my paycheck and apply for both advances off of next semester's financial aid (so that I can pay December's rent) before class.

I've got to finish that naruto_wishlist fic, and I have two final papers/projects coming up, and I work ALL THE FREAKING TIME. I have so little time to depressurize and I need it specifically for that purpose-- destressing-- and yet I need to do my classwork, too.

Man, I'm just tired. I just need a few days off...
...and I'm not going to get them. Not for at least another month.
My choices in the meantime are a) die or b) dig until I manage to find some shred of that がんばって spirit, ne?

*Destressing (currently) = GIN-PORN. Oh my god, it devastates me. I don't even LIKE the other half of most pairings-- Aizen, Kira-- but that doesn't even matter, 'cause it's GIN. Nothing makes me happier at this moment.
lykomancer: (Default)
Yep, fuck. I broke half of my first molar off last night. D:
Which actually doesn't really bother me all that much in and of itself. I mean, it's not like it hurts and I can still eat.
But it's breaking off at gum-level, which means that the roots are still embedded. D: D:
So tomorrow, Lyko's going to try calling some of the dentists in the Metro with sliding fees and free services, because it seriously can't be put off anymore.
This is going to be a) terrifying, b) painful, and c) expensive no matter what.

But other than that, yesterday was another good day at work.
I got two of phone numbers-- Jinya's and Krista's-- since "we need to hang out sometime", which gives me the warm fuzzies.
I managed to make Chris from cafe blush like a girl on our first breaks by playing/psuedo-flirting with him. (...he said that he tasted like he was 21. I raised a brow and grinned and went, "Oh, really? Taste yourself often?" and off we went down into the gutter.)
We decided that we need to have cage matches. That'd be awesome.

Anyway. Got to run.


Jun. 25th, 2005 08:38 pm
lykomancer: (Silver & Gold)
<---- I love [personal profile] yuuo a LOT. She takes the pretties I so nicely share and makes stuff for me! (Out of my own writing, no less. ^___^)
THANK YOU! Squeeeeee~!

My teeth really, really hurt. Like, agonizingly hurt. Fuckers.

And if Wendy catches me on the computer, I think she's going to skin me alive, so porn-writing has to wait until later.
Nap now, porn later, yes!

But mostly I just wanted to thank and love on [personal profile] yuuo for the iconage! *kisses*
lykomancer: (Going Nowhere Really Fast)
My teeth are sweet and cold sensitive. My teeth are also going to hell pretty rapidly because I love sugar a lot and because I am terrified of dentists and thus have only gone to one once.
I had such a bad toothache yesterday that I couldn't sleep, couldn't think, and the damned pain couldn't be drowned out with drugs. Not that I didn't try. Six extra strength Tylonol PMs, enough Ambesol to make me sick to my stomach, three shots of vodka, and a pipeful of something less than legal later I was not only still in pain, but I was amazingly still conscious! Holy what the rolling fuck. Usually, the vodka would have been enough to make the sleep-urge overwhelming, and I'm pretty touchy toward anything that might make you drowsy, so those Tylenols should have knocked me on my ass.
Not this time. And I was too fog-brained to really stay awake-- yeah, I tried that, too.
My original intent was to nap from 4 pm yesterday until midnight or so, maybe earlier. That was shot to shit, and then I tried just being awake. That wasn't so swell, either. So then I just decided that I wasn't leaving my bed until I slept.
Last night was fucking miserable.
But I did eventually sleep. That was a wasted 20 hours of my life.
Face still hurts, but not nearly so bad. Also, the ache is radiating up into my ear, which makes me wonder if the problem is with the tooth-- probably-- or if I might have gotten swimmer's ear from the one time I went swimming, 'cause I remember that being very well close to this bad. Great, fabulous.
I want to eat-- haven't done that in almost a full day-- but I'm afraid of setting that stupid tooth off again.

Wendy wanted to go out and do stuff today, and I just don't know if I'm really up for it. Mostly, I feel like going back to bed (O_o!) and reading.


May. 10th, 2005 05:08 pm
lykomancer: (I like my life insane)
I feel like something scraped off of the sidewalk. >.<
This may or may not be related to me only getting five hours of sleep when I know I need at least eight to function right. It also may be due in part because I haven't eaten in like...*calculates*...17 to 20 hours.
My room is a disaster. Books and papers and colored pencils and clothing strewn about; my only main concern is keeping most of it from becoming ferret chew toys.
I have at least one final due next week, and I think I'm supposed to be turning in my final project for Spiritual Memoir this Thursday. I dunno...I haven't checked my class syllabi in forever. Yeah, I'm a bad student.

I am seriously considering selling astrological birth charts 'cause I need the cash, so if anyone's interested, drop me a line. (I'm one step away from professional at this, and I won't overcharge like most places-- although, you have to keep in mind that these things can be well over ten typed pages and take eight or more hours to do right.)

...I'm going to go spend money I shouldn't on a sandwich before I start eating my hat. *nodnods*
God, I hope no one expects me to be, like, useful in class tonight. They'll be disappointed.
lykomancer: (Default)
On a completely unrelated note, I think I'm actually losing weight. I looked at myself naked in the mirror today and didn't immediately feel a compulsive need to hide my body under as much clothing as I could possibly simultaneously wear. Maybe Jenny has something here in her strange idea of eating less fat and processed sugar and exercising more. Shocking. ^_^

(I think I am--sickly and sadly-- on my way to becoming a gym junkie. I play racquetball and swim and use the weight machines and the ellipticals like a fiend. Maybe I'm venting all that pent-up anger my therapist keeps commenting on. *cries* I wanna be a lazy bum!)

Damn. I just looked at the calender. I'm going to be 24 in 16 days. Dude. That's not right.
*looks again* And Tom and I might be visiting Ashland in three weeks.


lykomancer: (Default)

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