Yay, depression
Apr. 29th, 2013 11:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lykomancerI sort of hate the sudden onset of spring. While everyone else is cheerfully exclaiming, "Isn't it beeeeyyyuuutiful!? and sighing like they've finally reached orgasm, I'm restless and short-tempered and weepy. Oh, and half the time I feel like I'm baking inside of my own skin, which absolutely no one understands; about a third of the people I meet are still cold, and everyone else is happy.
Fuckers.
In a few weeks, I'll adjust better. After all, the weather shifted from 45 to 75/80 in about 36 hours, and my body really doesn't like abrupt changes like that. In a few weeks, there will be leaves on the trees and thus some shade instead of blaring sunlight that feels like it's searing my translucent skin to a nice, crispy, well-done consistency.
In a few weeks, I'll be packing and moving. I'll have stuff to do and a lot to think about. I'll be re-experiencing the joys of having my own place, of having space in the fridge for my food, of not living in a cluttered shit-hole.
But right now I'm miserable.
The house is so damn cluttered that even if I began packing what little I have in my room-- most is still in storage from when we moved here, so packing up should only take me a few hours, tops-- there's no where to put the boxes. No where.
The warm weather makes me feel sweaty and nauseous, but also restless, fidgety, obligated to go somewhere and do something so that I don't waste these few temperate days that exist between our frigid, icy winter and tropically hot, humid summer. But I don't know what to do. My piece o' shit bike is still up where I can't get it even if I wanted to ride it. I do go for walks, but they're unsatisfying. There's nothing green yet anywhere except for a few sprouts and a little grass, not even dandelions yet. I go for walks in bare sunlight in empty woods, bored and unfulfilled.
I suddenly feel ridiculously fat. Nothing seems to fit right. I don't have cash to buy new clothes even if I wanted to. And I don't understand it. I may not eat phenomenally well, but I eat a metric fuckton better than many, many other people, and I get more exercise than a lot of others, too (seeing as I don't have a car and have to walk places on a regular basis). I get that I'm not gonna drop down to my college weight without a lot of effort-- since I was walking much more than I am now, eating more regularly, and eating a lot more salads and vegetarian food just because it was available-- but that's depressing. I didn't eat any fast food or soda at all for five years and literally walked everywhere I had to go...and I was still considered "obese". How is that even fucking possible.
I've been trying to eat better, but honestly, it's incredibly aggravating. Fruits and veggies go bad so quickly that I basically have to eat them within 24 hours of buying them, which is annoying as hell. I tend to rapidly become revolted by the taste of them-- the only fruits I can eat nonstop are cherries and pineapple-- and after a few salads in close succession (no matter how good they are), I simply stop eating rather than force myself to have another one. I get tired of apples before I've finished even one. They just stop tasting good. Even if I succeed in forcing myself to choke down fruits and veggies (and I do mean "choke down"; when I say I'm revolted by the taste I mean I literally gag), it's like I've eaten nothing. I'm always hungry. And turned off by the food. So I get into a vicious cycle of non-stop trying to force myself to eat food that I do not want at all-- never feeling full, never feeling satisfied, and disgusted by the taste of it all.
I really want to see a doctor. I need to get on state insurance first. I want to ask about my non-stop periods and hypoglycemia and weight and depression and bad reactions to birth control and non-reactions to anti-depressants.
Fuckers.
In a few weeks, I'll adjust better. After all, the weather shifted from 45 to 75/80 in about 36 hours, and my body really doesn't like abrupt changes like that. In a few weeks, there will be leaves on the trees and thus some shade instead of blaring sunlight that feels like it's searing my translucent skin to a nice, crispy, well-done consistency.
In a few weeks, I'll be packing and moving. I'll have stuff to do and a lot to think about. I'll be re-experiencing the joys of having my own place, of having space in the fridge for my food, of not living in a cluttered shit-hole.
But right now I'm miserable.
The house is so damn cluttered that even if I began packing what little I have in my room-- most is still in storage from when we moved here, so packing up should only take me a few hours, tops-- there's no where to put the boxes. No where.
The warm weather makes me feel sweaty and nauseous, but also restless, fidgety, obligated to go somewhere and do something so that I don't waste these few temperate days that exist between our frigid, icy winter and tropically hot, humid summer. But I don't know what to do. My piece o' shit bike is still up where I can't get it even if I wanted to ride it. I do go for walks, but they're unsatisfying. There's nothing green yet anywhere except for a few sprouts and a little grass, not even dandelions yet. I go for walks in bare sunlight in empty woods, bored and unfulfilled.
I suddenly feel ridiculously fat. Nothing seems to fit right. I don't have cash to buy new clothes even if I wanted to. And I don't understand it. I may not eat phenomenally well, but I eat a metric fuckton better than many, many other people, and I get more exercise than a lot of others, too (seeing as I don't have a car and have to walk places on a regular basis). I get that I'm not gonna drop down to my college weight without a lot of effort-- since I was walking much more than I am now, eating more regularly, and eating a lot more salads and vegetarian food just because it was available-- but that's depressing. I didn't eat any fast food or soda at all for five years and literally walked everywhere I had to go...and I was still considered "obese". How is that even fucking possible.
I've been trying to eat better, but honestly, it's incredibly aggravating. Fruits and veggies go bad so quickly that I basically have to eat them within 24 hours of buying them, which is annoying as hell. I tend to rapidly become revolted by the taste of them-- the only fruits I can eat nonstop are cherries and pineapple-- and after a few salads in close succession (no matter how good they are), I simply stop eating rather than force myself to have another one. I get tired of apples before I've finished even one. They just stop tasting good. Even if I succeed in forcing myself to choke down fruits and veggies (and I do mean "choke down"; when I say I'm revolted by the taste I mean I literally gag), it's like I've eaten nothing. I'm always hungry. And turned off by the food. So I get into a vicious cycle of non-stop trying to force myself to eat food that I do not want at all-- never feeling full, never feeling satisfied, and disgusted by the taste of it all.
I really want to see a doctor. I need to get on state insurance first. I want to ask about my non-stop periods and hypoglycemia and weight and depression and bad reactions to birth control and non-reactions to anti-depressants.
