Sex is natural, sex is fun. (Or not.)
Feb. 17th, 2013 12:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lykomancerSo Jinya "had" "sex" with her boyfriend of four months for the first time. It was the awful icing on the terrible cake of her day, which also included her great-aunt's funeral and her gerbil dying in her hand.
I do vaguely understand that my perception of sex is bizarre. I do understand it. Still, I am almost incapable of helping Jinya at all because her frame of reference is SO TOTALLY different than mine.
The sex was bad. She was dry and tight and nervous, trying to disassociate enough to not have a panic attack, and of course it hurt.
Everything about it embarrasses her to the point where she literally chokes on her words when she tries to talk about it most of the time. She's humiliated that she "doesn't do it right" and ashamed of her body.
There are obviously several issues here: broadly broken into the physical and the mental (though of course they interlock).
Of course, my very first question was, "Why didn't you use lube?" which upset her because it was the same thing my mother asked her.
(Why was Jinya talking to my mom about sex? Because she was desperate for someone to talk to about it and I was at work, and my mom is casual-cool enough for it to not be an awkward conversation.)
After working on the strictly physical issues for a while, I admit to feeling a little frustrated and more than a little like just yelling, "HERE! LET ME SHOW YOU. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST." But I don't actually want to have awkward teacher-student sex with Jinya.
She's very reluctant in regard to using lube. She's extremely resistant to the idea of trying more vaginal experimentation herself to acclimate herself to the sensation of penetration, which is a singular sensation she finds almost completely intolerable.
I suggested that perhaps she's just one of those people for whom penetrative sex is just off the buffet, and that maybe she should try to become more comfortable with other sex acts. (Mind, she also dislikes oral sex and literally has no idea what to do with male genitalia at all, so getting comfortable with ANY ASPECT of sex would help.)
But then she got fidgety and burst out that she wants to enjoy sex and other people like it and it's not fair to decide that she doesn't like it just because every time she's tried it it was embarrassing and shameful and painful. (And squishy. And she looked horrified when I told her that it would be more enjoyable if it was more squishy.)
I tried pushing lube and a small Feeldoe again.
She expressed extreme distaste.
I told her that she was like a person who refuses to exercise and then wonders why she can't complete a triathalon.
Then there's the mental stuff.
Honestly, Brad is the first non-asshole Jinya's ever dated. Once he realized how uncomfortable she was with sex, he throttled it way back and let her take her time. He pushed a little, but let her decide whether she wanted to accept his pushing.
Any pressure she feels to have sex and have it in a particular way comes from her own mind. It's internalized expectations.
But Jinya's been with such total jackasses before Brad that part of me wants to find out her old boyfriends' addresses and mail them a cockpunch via United Postal MY FIST Delivery. She was pressured and nagged into doing things she wasn't comfortable with. She was orally raped. She's been repeatedly told that she's bad at sex-- in the grand tradition of the virgin/whore dichotomy, I assume that those scumbags thought that if she wasn't a virgin then she had no excuse for not living up to their fantasies. According to both her and Brad, her default motion during anything sexual is a move she calls "squirreling"...which is basically her constantly moving away from her partner even while she's enjoying what's going on. Let me repeat: her default move is trying to get away.
Oh Lord, I am Not Qualified for this shit.
And then there are the body issues. It's strange, because I don't think of Jinya as having body issues because they never come up except in relation to sex. She doesn't diet. She doesn't make disparaging comments about her weight or her body ever. She seems very comfortable in her skin most of the time. Until sex. And then it's embarrassing, shameful, etc.
I've tried giving her advice before. She wanted to touch Brad sexually, but she was scared. So I suggested blindfolding him (so he couldn't stare at her and make her self-conscious), then insisting that his hands stay behind his head (so he couldn't get grabby), and just touching him however she liked. No pressure to get him off or anything-- she could take her time and just play. Get used to touching him; get used to the penis as nonthreatening or even as a toy.
I know she tried it and it wasn't bad, but I don't think it left any impression on her psyche at all.
When he goes down on her, she has to play on her phone to keep from panicking.
Baffled, I asked how she could possibly enjoy it if she's trying not to feel it.
Equally baffled, she responded with that she didn't understand how she was supposed to enjoy it at all.
This is all very foreign to me.
*sigh*
Any advice I can offer her would be appreciated. I'm about at wit's end.
I do vaguely understand that my perception of sex is bizarre. I do understand it. Still, I am almost incapable of helping Jinya at all because her frame of reference is SO TOTALLY different than mine.
The sex was bad. She was dry and tight and nervous, trying to disassociate enough to not have a panic attack, and of course it hurt.
Everything about it embarrasses her to the point where she literally chokes on her words when she tries to talk about it most of the time. She's humiliated that she "doesn't do it right" and ashamed of her body.
There are obviously several issues here: broadly broken into the physical and the mental (though of course they interlock).
Of course, my very first question was, "Why didn't you use lube?" which upset her because it was the same thing my mother asked her.
(Why was Jinya talking to my mom about sex? Because she was desperate for someone to talk to about it and I was at work, and my mom is casual-cool enough for it to not be an awkward conversation.)
After working on the strictly physical issues for a while, I admit to feeling a little frustrated and more than a little like just yelling, "HERE! LET ME SHOW YOU. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST." But I don't actually want to have awkward teacher-student sex with Jinya.
She's very reluctant in regard to using lube. She's extremely resistant to the idea of trying more vaginal experimentation herself to acclimate herself to the sensation of penetration, which is a singular sensation she finds almost completely intolerable.
I suggested that perhaps she's just one of those people for whom penetrative sex is just off the buffet, and that maybe she should try to become more comfortable with other sex acts. (Mind, she also dislikes oral sex and literally has no idea what to do with male genitalia at all, so getting comfortable with ANY ASPECT of sex would help.)
But then she got fidgety and burst out that she wants to enjoy sex and other people like it and it's not fair to decide that she doesn't like it just because every time she's tried it it was embarrassing and shameful and painful. (And squishy. And she looked horrified when I told her that it would be more enjoyable if it was more squishy.)
I tried pushing lube and a small Feeldoe again.
She expressed extreme distaste.
I told her that she was like a person who refuses to exercise and then wonders why she can't complete a triathalon.
Then there's the mental stuff.
Honestly, Brad is the first non-asshole Jinya's ever dated. Once he realized how uncomfortable she was with sex, he throttled it way back and let her take her time. He pushed a little, but let her decide whether she wanted to accept his pushing.
Any pressure she feels to have sex and have it in a particular way comes from her own mind. It's internalized expectations.
But Jinya's been with such total jackasses before Brad that part of me wants to find out her old boyfriends' addresses and mail them a cockpunch via United Postal MY FIST Delivery. She was pressured and nagged into doing things she wasn't comfortable with. She was orally raped. She's been repeatedly told that she's bad at sex-- in the grand tradition of the virgin/whore dichotomy, I assume that those scumbags thought that if she wasn't a virgin then she had no excuse for not living up to their fantasies. According to both her and Brad, her default motion during anything sexual is a move she calls "squirreling"...which is basically her constantly moving away from her partner even while she's enjoying what's going on. Let me repeat: her default move is trying to get away.
Oh Lord, I am Not Qualified for this shit.
And then there are the body issues. It's strange, because I don't think of Jinya as having body issues because they never come up except in relation to sex. She doesn't diet. She doesn't make disparaging comments about her weight or her body ever. She seems very comfortable in her skin most of the time. Until sex. And then it's embarrassing, shameful, etc.
I've tried giving her advice before. She wanted to touch Brad sexually, but she was scared. So I suggested blindfolding him (so he couldn't stare at her and make her self-conscious), then insisting that his hands stay behind his head (so he couldn't get grabby), and just touching him however she liked. No pressure to get him off or anything-- she could take her time and just play. Get used to touching him; get used to the penis as nonthreatening or even as a toy.
I know she tried it and it wasn't bad, but I don't think it left any impression on her psyche at all.
When he goes down on her, she has to play on her phone to keep from panicking.
Baffled, I asked how she could possibly enjoy it if she's trying not to feel it.
Equally baffled, she responded with that she didn't understand how she was supposed to enjoy it at all.
This is all very foreign to me.
*sigh*
Any advice I can offer her would be appreciated. I'm about at wit's end.
I'll at least try, anyway
Date: 2013-02-17 10:06 pm (UTC)her default move is trying to get away.
My default reaction to this was, "Establish safeword and tie her up!" But that would be such a terrible, terrible idea in this context. I only mention it because I thought you might find it mildly amusing that this is my kneejerk solution.
Maybe if she watches him masturbate a few times? That totally worked for me with the whole "EEEK ALIEN GENITALS" thing. Also for starting to get an idea of how Brad likes to be touched so she might not feel so completely lost.
Meanwhile... I dunno, this woman has to learn how to masturbate. Nonpenetratively just to get used to the feeling of... feelings. And then work her way up to penetrating herself, and/or work her way up to masturbating with Brad just... in the room. Blindfolded and not interacting with her, just there. Then not blindfolded. Then maybe they can have some mutual masturbation.
And dude, I'm not even there but I feel like I want to plop down in front of her and go, "Look how I do it IT'S SO EASY OMG."
I have less than zero ideas about her phobia of lube, though.
no subject
Date: 2013-02-17 11:19 pm (UTC)My god, the look that earned me! Revolted horror.
I think the lube thing is related to the messy factor, or possibly the "if I'm not naturally lubricated then I'm a FAILURE AND I'M DOING IT WRONG". But I don't know. I'm honestly baffled that she seems more okay with membrane tears and friction burns and pain than with just dealing with a few minutes of clean-up afterward.
I don't know if she's still taking her anti-anxiety meds, which is something else I should ask about. She often gets Chinese herbal formulas, but then she doesn't like to take them because they "throw a blanket" over her emotions. Yeah, no panic or nervousness, but no other emotions either. And I don't know if she still has a prescription med.
Well, I'll throw some more suggestions at her regarding jerking off. I've already rounded up some articles on sexual dysfunction, various reasons sex can cause pain, and sex and anxiety, so hopefully she'll start to understand that what's happening to her is actually quite normal and that no one has Porn Sex. (Not even me.)
no subject
Date: 2013-02-19 06:14 am (UTC)It makes me sad she feels like she has to like it because everyone else does. The point of sex is to feel good? If you don't LIKE it, your partner (if they're decent, of course) isn't going to enjoy it as much, and it's just not as good for anyone.
Also not wanting to use lube is the most insane thing I've ever heard. Yeah, it's annoying, but... if it could make everything better, why would you avoid it? Take a shower after, you'd be alright.
Psychological stuff definitely has to do A LOT with this, too. Just... I kind of am with you a little, I've been so sex-positive my whole life that even though I haven't physically done as much, it doesn't phase me? Like, to use myself as an example, the first time my boyfriend and I had sex (it was both of our first times, if that means anything), I had to be on top because he was too nervous about being forward/hurting me/etc. We've been sleeping together for almost two years, and sometimes I STILL just have to be like NO REALLY SHOVE YOUR DICK IN ME IT'S COOL /I'M OK YOU'RE OK IT'S OK/. Granted being nervous is a part of his personality, but...
POINT IS it takes a really long time to get through that stuff, but she has to take the first steps to trying to help herself to be able to be ok with it and enjoy anything. This guy seems like he can be a little decent and patient, at least, so that could be really helpful too.