Wendy found religion. It was under the sofa.

[lykomancer]

So.

Wendy met a nice man at work (at Wal*Mart), and lo and behold, they began hanging out and then dating.
No problem. Bully for her. Yatta. And all that good jazz.

Wendy started going to church with Ryan.
Cool. I have no beef with Wendy going to church, even a Christian one.

Then I found out that Ryan's church is a really big, really fundamentalist, evangelical church. (AKA: The Big Scary Gospel-Center in Fridley.)
Aha. Then I was on my toes, paying a little more attention.

Wendy converted to Christianity.
O.o;; Um. Whatever floats her boat, right? No thank you; I don't care for any.

Then she started spouting off weird and unWendy-like things, like saying how she feels bad about swearing and listening to her music (music, that, less than four weeks ago, she was squealing over in joy and trying to get me to appreciate). She started reading the Bible and going to prayer circles. She's talking about buying Christian rock and the Bible on CD.

I laid down the law. I said, I don't care what you believe, but you must never, never tell anyone in the house that they are going to Hell, and you must always question what you are told. Seek your own answers; don't just passively accept what they tell you.

I'm worried because I think that Ryan has an unhealthy hold over her, not because of who and what he is, but because of the idea she has of him. The unhealthy hold is in her own mind; a constrain she puts on herself, and that alarms me. She'll do anything to make him happy, and I don't get the sense that he's making similar adjustments. I'm not seeing a compromise-- that happens in every relationship-- but one person completely accommodating another.
The other night when Ryan was helping Wendy clean out her room, he threw away her CDs. Yeah, he did it playfully, right in front of her, and into a temporary trash bag she could easily fish them out of, but still... To me, that's so beyond not cool. That's a violation, and it's unacceptable.

I have this idea-- for right or wrong-- that the most important person in my life is and always will be me. My obligation to myself-- to be true to what I want, love, enjoy, and who I am-- is greater than any other relationship obligations. It's not that I am unwilling to compromise for someone I love; I already mentioned that as a given...but I feel that compromise is reciprocal. (e.g. I'll try to become a vegetarian for you and you try to keep the house cleaner for me.) I also believe that when you really, truly love someone, you want to change for them and you accept their shortcomings as well as their good points; in a mutual relationship when all involved feel the same way, the changes and acceptances more or less balance out.

And I'm just not seeing that here.

And I'm not sure how to tell Wendy that I'm worried that I think she's in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Comments

[elanivalae.livejournal.com]

:/ I have yet to see a fundy relationship that doesn't trash on the woman, one way or another.

And I agree with you on the changes thing...IMO, if you have to change that drastically to be with someone, then you weren't right for each other in the first place. >_

[magic-window.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you're getting at with this post and this all sounds so vaguely familiar.

Personally though, I wouldn't want to get too much involved in Wendy and Ryan's relationship. I mean, if you're her friend it's good to tell her how you feel and express concern for her and all that, but unless you really wouldn't mind being a factor in their breakup (which can be a dangerous position to be in), I would say to just let her live her life the way that she wants and let her learn on her own (which is the way that a great deal of young women seem to lean towards anyway).

But yes.. I agree with what you have said about love and compromise. Love is definitely a two-way street and both parties have got to be willing to be open-minded about everything and possibly even be open to change if the situation calls for it.

[jellybean8503.livejournal.com]

Okay, first, I don't remember where I saw you and came across your journal...
*shrugs* Anyway, that sorta happened to me, too. My then-boyfriend (Nate) was physically and emotionally abusive. About a week before I turned 18, I went with him to a church group thingie. His mom invited me, and I really didn't want to go, but I couldn't say no to her. It was so boring! Nate told me afterward that his mom would love it if I went more often to these things with them, so, to please him, I did. It wasn't long before they had me getting into it. I don't know exactly what happened. I just started talking about Jesus and the Bible like it was my life. I packed away all my "unholy" belongings and bought cds like DC Talk. EWW! After he and I (tragically) parted, I was still in that mindset. It took me a while to realize, "This isn't me! I hate this!". I then reverted to my "evil" ways. What I can say is, she will most likely not listen to anyone that's telling her something she doesn't want to hear. I didn't. She will either figure it out herself or keep going the way she's going.

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

Hey, cool, someone I don't already know! ^_^

Yeah... I know she's probably going to have to figure it out on her own, but... To use an analogy, even though the kid's probably going to have to put her hand on the stove at least once to figure out that it's a bad idea, a good parent will still tell the child not to do it 'cause it's going to hurt. I feel that it is my obligation to at least tell her how I feel and give her a little bit of a warning, if that makes sense-- not to say, "I told you so," when it's over, but just so I can feel that I didn't just stand around fiddling while Rome was burning.

[magic-window.livejournal.com]

Oh absolutely. Anybody can understand that. And yes, that's what friends are for.

Just be careful, that's all I'm merely suggesting. You cross one boundary too many and you may find yourself in a real crazy or bad situation, or even without that friend anymore.

But even though I don't know you, I trust that you know what you're doing.


- Luke

[jellybean8503.livejournal.com]

Oh boy, that sure happened to me. I lost just about every friend I had then, except one. My ex's brother's baby's momma! lol Seriously, though, my best friend has a baby fathered by my ex's brother. Very awkward. For a while I thought she didn't want to talk to me anymore because of the situation, especially since I was the last to know when she was pregant...But she was just scared that I'd hate her for getting knocked up or something. Just know that if things go sour between Wendy and her boyfriend, she's going to need someone to talk to, so don't give her the cold shoulder. I was completely alone, and suffered through a few terrible incidents without a single person I could talk to. It sucked. I didn't even have the internet to escape to.