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lykomancerSo.
Wendy met a nice man at work (at Wal*Mart), and lo and behold, they began hanging out and then dating.
No problem. Bully for her. Yatta. And all that good jazz.
Wendy started going to church with Ryan.
Cool. I have no beef with Wendy going to church, even a Christian one.
Then I found out that Ryan's church is a really big, really fundamentalist, evangelical church. (AKA: The Big Scary Gospel-Center in Fridley.)
Aha. Then I was on my toes, paying a little more attention.
Wendy converted to Christianity.
O.o;; Um. Whatever floats her boat, right? No thank you; I don't care for any.
Then she started spouting off weird and unWendy-like things, like saying how she feels bad about swearing and listening to her music (music, that, less than four weeks ago, she was squealing over in joy and trying to get me to appreciate). She started reading the Bible and going to prayer circles. She's talking about buying Christian rock and the Bible on CD.
I laid down the law. I said, I don't care what you believe, but you must never, never tell anyone in the house that they are going to Hell, and you must always question what you are told. Seek your own answers; don't just passively accept what they tell you.
I'm worried because I think that Ryan has an unhealthy hold over her, not because of who and what he is, but because of the idea she has of him. The unhealthy hold is in her own mind; a constrain she puts on herself, and that alarms me. She'll do anything to make him happy, and I don't get the sense that he's making similar adjustments. I'm not seeing a compromise-- that happens in every relationship-- but one person completely accommodating another.
The other night when Ryan was helping Wendy clean out her room, he threw away her CDs. Yeah, he did it playfully, right in front of her, and into a temporary trash bag she could easily fish them out of, but still... To me, that's so beyond not cool. That's a violation, and it's unacceptable.
I have this idea-- for right or wrong-- that the most important person in my life is and always will be me. My obligation to myself-- to be true to what I want, love, enjoy, and who I am-- is greater than any other relationship obligations. It's not that I am unwilling to compromise for someone I love; I already mentioned that as a given...but I feel that compromise is reciprocal. (e.g. I'll try to become a vegetarian for you and you try to keep the house cleaner for me.) I also believe that when you really, truly love someone, you want to change for them and you accept their shortcomings as well as their good points; in a mutual relationship when all involved feel the same way, the changes and acceptances more or less balance out.
And I'm just not seeing that here.
And I'm not sure how to tell Wendy that I'm worried that I think she's in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Wendy met a nice man at work (at Wal*Mart), and lo and behold, they began hanging out and then dating.
No problem. Bully for her. Yatta. And all that good jazz.
Wendy started going to church with Ryan.
Cool. I have no beef with Wendy going to church, even a Christian one.
Then I found out that Ryan's church is a really big, really fundamentalist, evangelical church. (AKA: The Big Scary Gospel-Center in Fridley.)
Aha. Then I was on my toes, paying a little more attention.
Wendy converted to Christianity.
O.o;; Um. Whatever floats her boat, right? No thank you; I don't care for any.
Then she started spouting off weird and unWendy-like things, like saying how she feels bad about swearing and listening to her music (music, that, less than four weeks ago, she was squealing over in joy and trying to get me to appreciate). She started reading the Bible and going to prayer circles. She's talking about buying Christian rock and the Bible on CD.
I laid down the law. I said, I don't care what you believe, but you must never, never tell anyone in the house that they are going to Hell, and you must always question what you are told. Seek your own answers; don't just passively accept what they tell you.
I'm worried because I think that Ryan has an unhealthy hold over her, not because of who and what he is, but because of the idea she has of him. The unhealthy hold is in her own mind; a constrain she puts on herself, and that alarms me. She'll do anything to make him happy, and I don't get the sense that he's making similar adjustments. I'm not seeing a compromise-- that happens in every relationship-- but one person completely accommodating another.
The other night when Ryan was helping Wendy clean out her room, he threw away her CDs. Yeah, he did it playfully, right in front of her, and into a temporary trash bag she could easily fish them out of, but still... To me, that's so beyond not cool. That's a violation, and it's unacceptable.
I have this idea-- for right or wrong-- that the most important person in my life is and always will be me. My obligation to myself-- to be true to what I want, love, enjoy, and who I am-- is greater than any other relationship obligations. It's not that I am unwilling to compromise for someone I love; I already mentioned that as a given...but I feel that compromise is reciprocal. (e.g. I'll try to become a vegetarian for you and you try to keep the house cleaner for me.) I also believe that when you really, truly love someone, you want to change for them and you accept their shortcomings as well as their good points; in a mutual relationship when all involved feel the same way, the changes and acceptances more or less balance out.
And I'm just not seeing that here.
And I'm not sure how to tell Wendy that I'm worried that I think she's in an emotionally abusive relationship.
