(no subject)

[lykomancer]

Now, five years later, I occasionally find myself missing Randy.

Odd.

Time's worn down all the edges.

I can remember being angry with him and feeling frustrated with the shit he pulled, but I struggle to remember the majority of what actually pissed me off. (There are a few notable exceptions.)

The sex was very, very good.

My fonder memories of spending time with him have that smooth gloss of nostalgia: watching MST3K; the week-long submarine sandwich and hotdog feasts; hanging out at cafes; playing catch with a football in the park.

It felt like I was with him such a long time. In truth, it was only a little over a year.

If he hadn't been so antagonistic, or I so short-tempered, then maybe the differences between us wouldn't have mattered as much...but we were and they did. Besides, he never loved me. He denied that we were ever dating.


And I'm disappointed to realize that, five years later, my life is in worse shape than it was then. I have gone nowhere in five years. I've stagnated.

Comments

[go_dog_go]

Besides, he never loved me. He denied that we were ever dating.
Because he was an egotistical judgmental selfish poseur asshat. With braces.

I'm glad you remember at least some of his bigger failings, because last time you started posting nostalgia entries about an ex, you got back together with Ed. Please don't do that again. Choose life.

And hey, there's at least one improvement in your life since then, built right into your entry here: Five years later, you're not dating a prick who refuses to acknowledge that you're dating.

Move to Boston someday. People here let you off the bus/train before they get on.

[lykomancer]

I have only actually dated two people in my life: Chris Morse for a semester my second year and then Ed my third and partial fourth years.

And that's it.

In some ways, I think I went back to Ed because he at least wanted to be with me...although at first he didn't want me, either. I had to hunt him down, and even then, he only admitted he loved me when he didn't have any other options. (He tried dating other people in the middle of third year. We were "not dating", so he tried to find someone else. That did not work, to put it mildly.)

I've only ever been with one person who really wanted to be with me, and he was so fucking nice it turned my stomach. (That sounds terrible, but I think you know what I mean.)

I'm used to having to stalk people I'm interested in like prey. I'm used to them not actually wanting me. I'm used to them denying that they're with me. It's apparently the only way I can be with someone.

[go_dog_go]

You're seriously one of the most fascinating people I know. I mean that as a compliment; I hope it comes off that way.

(That sounds terrible, but I think you know what I mean.)
I do indeed.


I'm used to having to stalk people I'm interested in like prey. I'm used to them not actually wanting me. I'm used to them denying that they're with me. It's apparently the only way I can be with someone.
Does it ever make you feel powerful, in a weird way?

[lykomancer]

*le sigh*
Most people I meet are some unholy combination of incompatibly sexually oriented, not single, uninterested, and/or terrified of me. Added to that is the fact that, in most cases, I'm not interested in them, either.


Does it ever make you feel powerful, in a weird way?
Well, right now, no. Right now it makes me feel pathetic.

In the past, it usually either makes me feel slightly guilty-- since it's really kind of creeper-ish of me-- or... Well, maybe "powerful" is kind of the right word. Not the one I'd ordinarily use. But I view their initial "no"s as a problem to be solved with cunning, skillful manipulation, and sheer insistence. It's a game. It requires a bit of cleverness and persistence, and it's frustrating, but it can be fun.

I do wonder sometimes, though, if that's exactly the problem. I'm attracted to men I can manipulate like toys, but who have masculinity/asshole issues which they like to express by being argumentative and childish. A mentally stable adult would not be so easily steamrolled into being with someone to whom they are not attracted.



EDIT:
Thank you. (You know you don't have to try to fluff my ego, right? But it's sweet just the same.)

You make me wanna road-trip out east. :D

[go_dog_go]

Ego-fluffage is purely a byproduct of honesty, here.
Road triiiip! Do it do it doooo eeeeet!