Hello? Is there anybody out there?

[lykomancer]

...I feel so shallow.

I was trying to explain it today to my colleagues in my IS151 small group, and became so much more aware of it. Compared to the other people around me, I feel shallow.
I don't have a job; I don't have a mate or a potential mate; I don't have children; I don't have my family nearby; I don't have any friends down here; I don't do anything...besides survival-type living stuff such as shopping and cooking, schoolwork, and lying around reading. I have nothing to converse with people about; I have nothing--right now--really, at all.

I have no more effect on this world than a vagrant breeze does on the ocean... I don't even make a ripple. There is me, and that's all there is in my life. There is no one else. There is nothing else. Just me, and the things I do to amuse myself or provide for myself. If that's not shallow, then I don't know what is.

*sigh* I guess it's not that I'm shallow, just that my life is. Right now, it has all the depth and richness of a mudpuddle. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel motivated when I cannot do anything because of money or time or whatever, and when the constraints are removed I sit and stare at the fucking ceiling, feeling insincere, feeling like a hypocrite. I could be doing volunteer work, instead I'm lying around rereading books I've read a thousand times and fantasizing about dating people when I don't have the courage to even get off my couch.

Lazy, pathetic, cowardly, apathetic, boring, daydreaming, delusional...
Beating myself up? Yeah, I am, you got a fucking problem with it? 'Cause I don't.

How can I attempt to deal with other people when I have such a problem dealing with myself? How can I force myself to get up and get going when it doesn't seem to matter to anyone besides myself that I'm not? No one cares what I do or do not do here... How can I speak to a beautiful woman when I look down at myself and see poorly-dressed, out-of-shape, foul-mouthed, rough-tongued trailor trash? And how do I begin to "correct" my views of myself and of this piss-poor world when my loneliness only seems to enforce them?

...
Julia, one of the members of my small group, invited me over for Thanksgiving. Really, it makes me want to cry, so I'm not thinking too much about it; it's too kind. Still, it's nice to be thought of.
It's funny too, 'cause when Julia and I "met" on the class's online discussion forum, Blackboard, I didn't think there was any way in hell that we'd be able to get along, but...I guess I don't know everything. *laugh*

God, I hate my life. I think I've hated it since I graduated. I hope moving into a new space and getting new roommates will help fix that.


___
Oh, yeah, unrelated. Paul-sensei quote:
"The Catholics could find one good thing to say about the Protestants: they burned Micheal Servetus at the stake."
(Micheal Servetus was a Unitarian Protestant that was martyred in Calvinist Geneva in the 1500's. Look him up; it's interesting.)

Comments

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

Heh-heh. I doubt the -50...the coldest I've experienced north of here was -40. Ah, February, when it gets so cold you can feel the moisture on your eyes and your nose-hairs freezing! Trust me, when it's been that cold for a while, 30 degrees feels like a tropical heat wave! (When it would hit like 20 at my college in early March everyone would start smiling and wandering around without coats or gloves, commenting about the wonderful warm weather.) For warmth, I personally favor my beat-up leather shell jacket and a pair of Isotoner gloves, and that's it. I rarely wear a scarf or hat, and I haven't worn boots since I was little. BUT, I also grew up in northern Pennsylvania, and while it doesn't get as cold there as it does here, it's not like Alabama!

Yah, as for the racist thing, when you experienced is sometimes otherwise termed "Minnesota-nice"...there is no problem as long as we ignore it. No one talks about that kind of stuff, whether for good or bad, and so it just kind of festers under the surface like an untreated infection. It is kind of a taboo subject in most places in the north, especially, I think, here in the mid-west. *shrug* I don't think what you did was particularly racist, and no one I know would either, but... *shrug*

Now I know two people who write music! ^_^ I don't, and my one prof in college was even unimpressed with my poetry. Eh, well, what are ya gonna do, ya know? It's nice, however, to see someone happy about what they are currently doing and where they think their life is headed. I know way too many unhappy people right now.
I really like music, and most of my life I thought everyone did, but now I'm starting to see that some people aren't interested at all... That bewilders me. (How could you not like music?) And my tastes are pretty broad-ranging; I'd probably like your music, from the way you describe it. Maybe I could get to hear some sometime?

[geminstrel.livejournal.com]

Yes ma'am...we are hopefully going into the studio at school with one of my songs and I'll hook you up.