(no subject)

[lykomancer]

Heartsick. Homesick.

I hate this. I almost think now that I should have stayed in the Cities, slept in, played solitaire, watched the same damn movies over and over, and sulked about not getting to go up to Ashland...instead of actually coming here.

It's not that I didn't have a good time. It's exactly the opposite.

I stand outside and listen to the wind in the maple leaves, feeling the cool air, admiring the orangey gold early evening light, and I feel violently ill at the idea of getting in the car and going back to the apartment. If I were a little kid, I'd kick and scream and flat-out refuse... I feel like someone's squeezing my throat, or like there's a wad of dry terry cloth crammed into my vocal chords.

I don't want to go.
I don't want to go.

I want to swim in the lake and roll around on the newly laid sod of the Mall, get a tan, go out drinking with Daysha.

I walked back from the Deep Water last night and wandered up to campus, reassuring myself that this is still my place, my territory, that it hasn't forgotten me yet. I canvassed the whole place, feeling like an old dog pissing in the corners to reaffirm his claim on something. God, it's so weird, disappointing to know that I will not be there this fall.

I don't know why I feel this way. Tom has already begun forgetting things about Ashland and Northland, already within a year. I feel like there will never be a time when I don't crave being here... never will I be able to leave without feeling like my heart is breaking.

This is my place. My family's here. Love is here. Mother Superior is here. This is where I learned who I was/am and how to love and lose and laugh and cry.

Angela's moving out of her house, and I wandered through it thinking about how much fun we had there-- her and me and Jenny-- with our Sunday dinners and anime and goofing off and sake and cool cakes.

I always want what's gone, what I can't have.

It makes me want to cry, but I don't want to freak other people out. That's probably a bad sign, but then, so is feeling claustrophobic about going "home" to my stuff and my couch and my job.

Damn.
Goddammit.

Comments

[elanivalae.livejournal.com]

When you leave Ashland, do you lose the you you found here? Do you forget it and everyone here and become someone else? I don't think so. Memories aren't in the places we made them in...they're more portable than that.

Write. And cry. You need to do both. And then smile, because, for gods' sake, you've got the rest of your life and a hell of a lot more memories to make. And those of us that are worth remembering? We're not going anywhere >=D

[myown-artist.livejournal.com]

except to to see you...hon ,i know just how you feel. marybeth and i spent all of yesterday wandering around in a funk and shitty mood with shitty weather feeling strange and off-kilter, and wanting you there. believe me, when you are gone, you are missed. but i was so glad to see you, and i cant thank you enough just for coming back and sharing time with us. we love you, more than i knew until you were gone. and i dont think ill ever forget watching you roll and tumble and flow with the waves of the lake, you are and will always be in my mind the most perfect companion creature that lake has ever known. well see you soon.