Baby, I'm cold... So cold.

[lykomancer]

Feeling a bit out of it now and then the last few days. Sleepy, tired, lethargic, bored and yet restless, angry, obstinate. I don't know what my problem is.

I'm getting stuff done, and sometimes I'm even doing a good job on it. I'm very happy with my Taoism midterm (in which I compared the tao of the Tao-Te Ching and the logos of The Gospel of John); I've stitched up the massive holes in three pairs of my jeans; I mailed off my FAFSA, organized my closet, located my sandals, did most of my reading for tomorrow's classes, wrote more on my original story for my writing class, and started a new piece of fanfic (Envy/Ed/Wrath, for those curious).

There's a free Stuart Davis concert in St. Paul this Sunday that I will, of course, be attending.

Speaking of this weekend... *raises a brow* May or may not be having company. *pokes wolfe_guardian* I don't know if that plan's still go, but you are always welcome here, darlin', and I do mean always. (What? Don't you know? You were adopted! ^_^) You're a delight, truly.
And in another week, ozen will be gracing me with her lovely, lively presence. Yippie! I'm so looking forward to it.

I actually have a job interview with--of all places!--the Sanrio store in the Mall of America on Monday. (Because I'm such a Hello Kitty-type person! *snortlaugh*)
Hell, I even got my hundred dollar room deposit back from Northland today, so I have a little more money.

(Things I Still Need to Get Done:
-Develop film
-Return library books!
-Deposit check
-Patch other two pairs of pants
-Write up evaluation)

But I'm just not feelin' the love for some reason.
I'm not feeling like I'm hitting my stride. Everything's a bit off. I'm not trying hard enough. I'm not living up to my potential. I'm not doing good enough; I'm slacking.
But at the same time, I don't want to do anything but slack.

Damn it, I want to be a better person! I want to be someone worthwhile; I want to be someone competent and respectable and friendly and responsible and approachable.
I want to be me, but all the good and none of the bad. I want to be the Mary Sue version of me.
I get so tired of being a fuck-up. Of being a slacker. Or sitting on my ass and blowing time. Of being lazy. Of being irresponsible. Of wasting who I am and what I could be if I just applied myself.

I hate my own hypocrisy.
I hate my envy and useless rage.
I hate my helplessness in the face of my own failings.
I hate all my faults, and if I could take a razor to them and excise them-- like cutting out my right eye or my hand-- I would.
I hate my hatred, but I can't see to do anything about it.

(God, I feel now the way I usually feel when I've been off my Zoloft for a few weeks...and that's not a good sign, 'cause I'm taking the damned stuff. >.< Fuck you, expensive medication.)

I think I need to take some time to back off and assess myself.
*sigh*

Comments

[chauni.livejournal.com]

::hugs:: You're an amazing person. Slacking? Not at all. ::smiles softly:: Don't worry about the downtime; we all get it. But honestly? You're wonderful, busy, deep and intelligent; don't ever forget that.

You just stated the wishes and desires of most people...

[wolfe-guardian.livejournal.com]

But don't worry, you're always a worthwhile person whether you're sitting on your ass or not.

And don't worry about this weekend, I'm definitely coming down.

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

Most of the time, I know that, and then people call me arrogant.
And then, when I have moments like these, people tell me not to be so hard on myself.
XD
I find that amusing.

Thank you.
Seriously.
Thank you.
I'm feeling better this morning, so maybe I was just having an off-day.

*hugs*

Re: You just stated the wishes and desires of most people...

[lykomancer.livejournal.com]

But don't worry, you're always a worthwhile person whether you're sitting on your ass or not.

That's fabulous, considering how much time I spend engaged in that particular activity! *laughs*

*thumbs up*
Coolies!
Hopefully, we'll be entertaining enough that you won't be bored with us.

[ozen.livejournal.com]

Urp. I may have to borrow/beg about sixty or eighty bucks off my mom. Poor Hotseat NEEDS OIL CHANGE NOW. It's gotten to the point where I'm afraid to drive her until I'm in the act of taking her to Midas or somewhere. She's making funny sounds.

After all, I'm out fifty bucks from that fucking rip-off vet.

But yes, I get bouncy when I think about Spring Break. ;) You are so getting glomped/molested/skritched until you fall over into a puddle of happy sparkly goo.

NNNA!