Nostalgia, regret, and lonliness

It's been a while.

Stuff's happened.

I'm still single.

Jinya's on her fourth boyfriend within a six month period.

I occasionally think about Randy. I miss him. I have to think of him as dead. He's not literally dead, but the man that I knew is. That man doesn't exist anymore. That man is dead. I have to think like that, or it might drive me insane.

I miss that man. I mourn his loss. Time's soothed over all the rough edges, and all I remember is sweetness.

I'm so lonely.

I haven't even had a real crush on anyone in ages. I haven't felt anything.

Oh wait. That's not right.

I felt quite a bit toward Jinya's last boyfriend, a mutual friend of ours. First time in years and years I felt anything like that toward anyone.

But they broke up and he found a new girlfriend and I didn't merit another look.

Of course not.

Of course not.

I'm not what anyone wants.

I've given up on online dating. All I get are misspelled, illiterate replies from unattractive men. I feel like they think that because I'm not thin or conventionally pretty, I must be desperate for male attention from any source.

I'm not. Their advances disgust me.
Then, after a while, I'm just plain disgusted with the whole idea.
Bored.
Frustrated.

Delete.
Delete.
Delete.

Can't say anything to anyone.
"Oh, you just haven't found the right person yet!"
Can't say anything aloud.
"Have you tried online dating?"
Can't ever seem lonely.
"Maybe you need to be a little more open-minded."
Can't seem jealous.
"Why not go to the bar?"
Can't be sad.
"Are you remembering to take your antidepressants?"