(no subject)

Internally-- emotionally, psychologically-- I'm a mess.

It's not new. It's the same old mess. But right now it feels like it's reached a head, one long, epic clusterfuck of issues like a fifty mile traffic jam.

I don't feel like I belong in human society. I feel alien, like I'm so different as to be incomprehensible to others. Whatever I want, it's strange; whatever I prefer is odd. Every think I do, every choice I make, feels judged or picked over or questioned. I feel defensive about everything. I always feel like I need to justify myself-- what I think, what I do, what I want.


And right now I'm so frustrated because I compare myself to Jinya, who works three jobs uncomplainingly, manages her complicated finances decently enough to pay all her bills and always have cash for movies and dinner and still bring up her credit score, has a new car, does yoga and goes running, is generally upbeat or reasonable, goes out to dinner with coworkers and is always getting hit on...

I know she's got problems too. I know. I of all people know best.

But overall? I feel like a loser. Well, more of a loser. I already felt like one, but compared to my roommate I look pathetic.


I don't particularly like myself. In fact, I don't understand why I should.