Contemplation

Sometimes I worry about myself. Not often. But occasionally.
I exploded on Jinya the other morning about the fact that we're still living here in her mom's house, two years later, and how frustrated I am in regards to space and ownership of said space.
Yeah, this is nothing surprising.
Often friends and family have expressed genuine bafflement over my nonchalant acceptance of the situation. And yes, sometimes it does actively bother me.
But this was different.
It came up unexpectedly, like a freak storm system. There was nothing; I was fine...and then suddenly I wasn't. Suddenly, I was ranting and raving and pissed.

But this isn't entirely an uncommon phenomena for me. Sometimes this just happens. I become furious or deeply hurt over something that hadn't even been on my mind up to that point, all within a few moments. I'm reminded of how angry and hurt I became when my mom mentioned that she was teaching my brother to drive. I'd never felt too upset over my lack of a driver's license or my family's noninterest in teaching me to drive when I'd been in high school...until that moment. And then I was furious.

Yeah, I can have a short fuse when the right buttons are punched, or when I'm not rational enough to moderate my emotional responses (read: I'm a bitch in the morning). Yeah, I can go from zero to sixty in seconds. But these aren't hot buttons being pushed, at least not labeled hot buttons. As far as I knew up until that very moment, they weren't buttons at all-- they were non-issues. But non-issues don't provoke that kind of response.

I dislike my own deep-seated issues. I don't like having internal traps that spring shut before I even recognize they are dangerous.


( Musings, memories, nostalgia )