lykomancer: (Lost Causes)
I figured out what I want to do:
I want to go to veterinary school.

I really want it.

I could point all my interest and innate skill in biology and chemistry toward a goal. I'd get to work with animals. I'd finally be doing something meaningful.

...unfortunately for me, all my student loans have defaulted out from under me, wrecking my credit and pretty much permanently ending my ability to get more aid.

Still, I can get hired at a vet's office as a desk jockey or intern. Jinya's done it before; so has my friend Kris. Even getting my foot in the door is a good idea.

I can study books in my free time. Nothing's stopping me from educating myself.

I can volunteer at a wildlife rehabilitation center a few nights a week and get some experience, too.


Jinya wants to start taking martial arts and/or belly dancing classes. We found a website for a feminist eclectic martial arts studio off of Lake Street, and we've been talking about attending come September.


There's a small space between the neighbor's fence and the side of our house, and I'm thinking about turning it into a compost bin. I don't think our landlady would notice it, and then I could have fresh compost for an hanging herb garden by next spring. I've been researching seed exchanges already.


I'm just so tired of being a fucking cog. I'm sick to death of ignorance and shallowness, pop culture and trends and monoculture, hybrid vegetables, genetic engineering, and in vitro fertilization.

I want something that matters. I want to be part of the solution, instead of just bitching about the problem and feeling crushed under the system. I want to dig in the dirt, feed baby squirrels, and grow my own organic garlic. I want to know that I can fight, and dance, and spoil a story telling it. I want to make my own paper and build my own kites. I want to live for a while.
lykomancer: (WTFWTFWTF)



WTFWTFWTF.

Travel's going to be impossible.
What's work going to be like?
Were any of my coworkers there?

My God, Tom had literally just crossed it when it collapsed. He said he heard the rumble of it falling and when he looked behind him the bridge was gone.

I'm kind of baffled as to what my week's now going to be like.


...although the woman on the radio saying repeatedly, "A bridge in America...just shouldn't fall down" is making me laugh a lot. Probably more than I should.
lykomancer: (Bring it on!)
...by tomorrow, and tries not to have a mental melt-down.

You know, I thought this would go a lot faster than it is. I overestimated my own determination and fitness level, and underestimated how much stuff I own and how heavy it is and how dehydrated I'd get, and, well... *looks around* Er, yeah. Shit. My room is less of a problem. There's not a whole lot left in here, not after I cleaned out the closet last night. (Christ Almighty, I didn't realize how much was in there until I started digging. And then I thought I might unearth the Ark of the Covenant from its depths. O_o!)

Inu-no-Jess-chan also realizes that she has too many fucking books. Holy shit on a stick. I need to stop buying them. They are heavy and difficult to move. (And my full collection isn't even all here. I have another three big boxes still in Pennsylvania at my Grandparents'.
AND...after all the searching I've done while moving, I still haven't found my copy of St. Augustine's Confessions. GRRRRR! >.< I am one very, very unhappy theologian!)

In addition to what's left in my room and the shelf of books in the living room, the kitchen hasn't even been touched yet. Neither has the bathroom.
And I have my homework to do, including probably about two hundred pages of reading and writing a paper on Jonah.
Today is gonna suck, ladies and gents.

On the up side, however, the ever-sweet and talented [profile] chauni wrote me a tasty-good ficcy, and you all should go and read it and worship her now and forever, amen. *points the way to the Temple of Cha*
Fountains
lykomancer: (Oh Love Look at you)
- I'm in the kind of mood to write a new story or draw up a doujinshi or something like that. Maybe simply pick up a good fantasy novel or get sucked back into a good anime. I want to take a vacation from this reality into one fast-paced, exciting, nostalgic, terrible and wonderful and real and full of people I fall in love with and who will never love me because they are simply characters. I want to let my brain accumulate all sorts of new material, make new connections, stew in a marinade for a few days, and then come back to this world with a better sense of what the hell is going on.
I'd simply rewatch all of FMA (or any of the thirteen other series I've been hoarding on my hard drive), but I'm holding out until I lose my internet either through moving or through not being able to pay the bill.

- Talking to [profile] chauni last night made me realize how muh I miss Ashland. The soothing flow of mellow days, the calm ease that seems to fill the very air throughout the seasons, from the cool bite of autumn until the blaze of apathy-inducing heat at the end of summer. The rustle of the aspens and maples in the wind off the Lake. The slanting evening sunlight laying gold against the side of Wheeler Hall. The flat, deep blue ceiling of the sky. God, I could cry just thinking about it.

- I am fucking depressed. Even taking my meds like I'm supposed to, like a good girl. It's not enough. I'm still irrationally bitchy, cranky, tired, stressed, despairing, and hopeless. I hate you, dysfunctional brain chemistry. I want to stop sucking ass, so you better start recalibrating ASAP. This is not a suggestion; this is an order.

- I want to make more icons, but I struggle coming up with text. Amuse me and suggest something; maybe I'll use it. I really like icon-making; I'm just not that clever at matching an image with text. -_-;; I do think I'm getting pretty good at this particular little party-trick though, and I'm learning a lot about PS. I'll take requests, if anyone's actually interested.

- Speaking of FMA, Edward Elric has started to take over my life. I spend far too much of my time thinking about this made-up, not-real person, and it makes feel me sad and pathetic.
I'm not sure if I want an Ed in my life, or if I want to be Ed. Does the distinction matter?
...yeah, I think it does. I only wish I knew which one it was. (Ok, I don't mean that. Sitting back and thinking about it more makes me cringe at what either option might say about me. Dammit, I am not envious of a fictional character's personality traits! That's just fucking silly!)

- I want to go swimming and horseback riding. This is probably related to my Ashland-longings. I also want to actually feel happy, and not just tired, bored, amused, entertained, etc, etc... but that can be filed with the "I'm fucking depressed" rant.

Right. I'm going to go to set my alarm to get me up in the early afternoon and get my ass to bed.

Blah.

May. 19th, 2005 05:04 pm
lykomancer: (This moment is...)
Three finals down; one more to go. Blessed be to the Deity. I can't wait until next week when I have nothingnothingnothing to do except write fic snippets that I promised and some more smut. Huzzah.

I feel so apathetic today-- really dragging. Which is bad, because I had my New Testament final, my last Spiritual Memoir class, and I promised Chester (guy from school) that I'd come and hang out with him and a bunch of his friends tonight at a karaoke bar.
It's so sad; the idea of spending time with real life people makes me cringe and think, I can always cop out of it. Tell 'em I'm sick or something...
Now, this is coming from a person who has absolutely no friends in the area she lives in except for her roommates and said roommates' boyfriends, and the people she talks with at school-- if you can consider them friends and not just acquaintances.
(I have friends in other places; just not in the Twin Cities. And I am terrible at keeping in contact with them.)
I have. NO. Life.
And the idea of meeting new people just exhausts me. I wanna be lazy and sit at home on my ass in front of my computer. Blah.
I'm going despite the fact that I really don't want to precisely because I don't want to. I can't just be a freakin' shut-in recluse. Go out, have some on-tap beer even though I don't like beer, meet new hopefully-cute people, embarrass myself horribly in front of the new people...
Then go home and sit on ass in front of computer. Best of both worlds, considering that I doubt I'll get home any later than 2:30, and with the way my sleep schedule's been running (...*cough*NewZealandtime*cough*...), that's still waaaaayyy early in the evening for me.


(EDIT: HotASLLady? Oh, fuck yeah. She's still hot. Mmmmmm... Tasty-good.
Hope she's still around for me to admire next year...)

___
Silly little meme, but the answers would satisfy me a lot:
Why am I on your friends list? Comment and tell me. Then post this in your journal.
lykomancer: (Going Nowhere Really Fast)
I am having some really stupid moments.

First, not realizing my back account was so low that I'm scrabbling for rent, and then remembering the newspaper bill, my therapy bills, the internet bill, my summer class bill, my OUTRAGEOUS book bill at the school store, the money I promised Tsuki...

And then I lost my #%&@!ing bus pass. A forty-five dollar one. That still had over twenty-five dollars left on it. While normally this doesn't bother me too much-- I figure, someone else will find it, and it goes into the pool of Good Bus Karma-- but right now, it's something else I need to spend money on, 'cause otherwise I can't get anywhere. >.<

I have a presentation today in the first hour of class. I have...a few notes. Mostly, I'm hoping to wing it and not fuck up too bad. My only priority is not failing. Other than that... *shrugs* Meh.
So I was half-assed thinking about that this afternoon.
I was also talking with a few people on IM, getting wrapped up in conversations and barely glancing at the clock, knowing I was going to run a bit late, and that I'd be cutting it close today.
I was also dipping into a new piece of fanfic that is flowing so smoothly, so loverly...

It goes to figure that when I finally get to my bus stop, I realize that I forgot the money to pay!
FUCK! AHHHHGGGGG! *headDESK*

Fortunately for me, Wendy is still home and can give me a ride up to school before class/she goes to work, but...DAMN! I lost my bus pass, can't afford to get a new one, barely know what I'm presenting on, ran late for my bus, can't catch it 'cause I didn't have a quarter on me, and am now worried about running late for my presentation! GRR!

*shakes fist at sky, feeling very Old Testament*
God damn you, God!


((EDIT:
I got to school with plenty of time. *relief* So, what do I do before my presentation? Review, reread, organize, prepare?
...Hell, no! I snipe RP journal comments and get hit on by the really cute black guy in the computer labs! Go, responsible adult, go!
lykomancer: (This moment is...)
Got up to go to church this morning, staggered around, fell back asleep while waiting for Tom, woke-- reluctantly-- back up, and grunted a few things about how wonderful sleep was on our way to the door, noting that I was probably just getting to bed when Wendy was getting up to get to church.
Tom expressed his amazement over the fact that Wendy's church begins so early, stating that it was strange for a Lutheran church.
"Not Lutheran," I muttered, deciding that nicotine was just the upper I needed if I couldn't have more sleep or coffee for a while, "Ev'n... Evanga..." I gave up on the difficulties of English and opted for Greek. "Euangelion." (Pronounced: "OOO-on-(hard g)gelly-on"; means "Evangelical.")
Yes, Greek was easier for my sleep-slowed mouth and mind than my native language.
Tom's response was a wide, scary grin that I barely noticed, lighting up my Vanilla Sweet Dream. (Yeah, I smoke girlie cigarettes when I bother smoking, ok?) "Give ya oral sex if you can name the article that goes with that," he said, and I only really caught part of that.
"Mmm... E (pronounced "hey")? It's feminine, I think." I paused. "Wait, why am I able to remember something so completely useless?"
Tom giggled. "Very good! Oral?"
...no, I don't think so.
God, running on four hours of sleep and having not studied any Greek whatsoever in three months, I was still able to use it easier than I could English and remember what gender the word was. My brain is a magpie; it collects shiny, useless things. >.<

Great.
After sharing that completely useless moment of my life, I am going back to bed.

(EDIT:
Yo people: My undying affection goes to anyone who can find me an mp3 of The Eagles' "Heartbreak Tonight"! Find it and name your price: fics, art, my soul, whatever!
I would also like Aerosmith's "Pink", but that's a little lower on my list of priorities.
THANK YOU!)

*breathes*

Apr. 22nd, 2005 05:58 pm
lykomancer: (The loving friends we meet on the journe)
Calming down a bit now; finding that warm zen center somewhere inside that I can cling to and regain some stability. It doesn't matter. Nothing really matters. It will resolve itself in the end, and if it isn't resolved, it isn't the end. It was stupid and selfish of me to get involved as quickly and deeply as I did; it's really none of my business.
I'm done fretting and worrying and being angry. It's not like there's any point to it.

Me oun merimnesete eis the aurion, e gar aurion merimnesei eautes: arketon te emera e kakia autes.
Matthew 6:34

The Master hangs back. That's why he's ahead of the game.
He doesn't hang on to things. That's how he manages to keep them.
He doesn't worry about stuff he can't control. That's why he's got satisfaction.

Tao-Te Ching, Chapter 7, this translation

___
Working on the drabbles I owe. Hopefully, I can post them tonight. ^_^
lykomancer: (Turn the other cheek)
I'm about to the point of cheerfully-- dangerously cheerfully-- announcing that I am leaving my apartment to stay at a hotel, and that my roommates have exactly two days to sort out all of their problems with one another and/or move out before I return home. I don't care what happens, so long as it is over and resolved by the 48-hour mark when I walk through my front door again; they can murder each other for all I care.
Just so we're clear on where I stand here.


Sincerely,
Management.
lykomancer: (Run to ease the ache)
...and I'm still awake.

I laid in bed for a while, reading The Magic of Shapeshifting and sipping my tea, but I started thinking, and damn it, everyone knows how that goes.

I've been feeling a lot of... I don't know what to call it. Deja vu, is, I think as close as I can get. It's like... I suddenly don't understand how I've gotten where I am. I feel like I'm living someone else's life. For a moment, the world spins out of orbit and I'm looking around, the hairs prickling on the back of my neck and stomach clenching, and I don't recognize what's around me as being right.

(I mean, practically speaking, I'm not saying that I have fugues and blank moments. It's not that I suddenly look around and have no idea where I am or how I got there; I remember all that, but it just doesn't feel right. It's like I slip out of myself like a gear falling out of place, and suddenly I'm standing outside and inside myself simultaneously, fascinated by the quality of light streaking the pavement and unable to breathe normally.)

It's really strange, not entirely unpleasant, but disturbing in an almost revelatory kind of way. It's like that moment when you really, finally wrap your mind around the fact that you are going to die, and there's nothing you can do about it, and life will go on without you.


I also feel a little lonely tonight.
I don't know why; it's so odd really. I don't usually feel a lack of companionship.
I'm not a cuddly, sentimental person, given to flights of sugar-spun romance.
But tonight it would be nice to be able to press up against someone and just listen to the slow, steady thunder of their heart. To be wrapped up in someone else's scent and heat. To be silent and know that no words need to be spoken, because nothing could express the perfection of this moment.
Y'know what I mean?
Ah, well. I no doubt wouldn't appreciate it if I had it, anyway.
That's the kind of person I tend to be, much to my own displeasure.

I decided a while back that I would not concern myself with whether or not I was in a relationship. Things would happen in their own good time, and I would-- could-- wait for something good.
So I wait.

And in the mean time I am obnoxiously sexually flirtatious with people. I'd apologize for that, but fuck it; I don't really feel that sorry.
I just don't want people to get the wrong impression of me.
It's not all about sex.
I have more interests than sex and porn and smut.
There is more to me than that.
*sigh*
Whatever.

OK, now I AM going to bed.
lykomancer: (Someone to hear your prayer)
In less than a week, one of my housemates-- Jen-- has asked me if two different, new people could move in with us, one temporary, the other permanent.

My Official Answer: I don't care.

Now, this isn't because I haven't thought about it. I have, at great length.
That's five or six people living in out apartment, sharing one small bathroom, one small kitchen. That's five or six people all with different sleep schedules keeping each other awake with their music and conversations. That's "OMFG, we just went grocery shopping three days ago and we already ate two loaves of bread?!?!" That's more "I can't stand it when so-and-so does ____" and "XYZ really drive me nuts! and "If I have to ___ ONE MORE TIME...!" That's trying to organize more work times and chorelists and bill payments.
Now with twice the psychodrama and half the communication.

That's putting up with Matt's bad puns and dysfunctional, almost schizophrenic breaks between "I can't take anything seriously; I'm gonna quote Animaniacs" and "Oh, my God, my life sucks and I want to die."

Also, Wendy hasn't been asked about either of these, and she right now holds the final vote. If Wendy says no, flat-out, the answer is no. She's already having issues, and I don't want to put any more stress on her, since she did come all the way out here from Pennsylvania to start over again with Tom and I.

I'm a lot more OK with the temporary resident, for several reasons.
One being the temporary factor.
The other main one being the fact that this could be for him what we offered to Wendy: a completely new start someplace new, along with the time he would need to get back up on his feet again.
He's dead-ended where he is, and really seems to need the help.

.
.
.

BUT
...my Official Answer to both is "I don't care."

I maintain my neutrality.
It could be really fun and interesting. It could be a miserable, atrocious failure.
It could just be the same as life for us in this household is already, a bit of both joy and hardship as we bumble along, while improving life for others. This is the most likely, and that's why I don't care.

God, I'm such a sucker for stray kittens.
lykomancer: (This moment is...)
Ug...
Momentarily returning to reality from my smutty fanfic writing coma, and I find that I really haven't missed all that much and that I was actually a bit happier and felt more useful in my coma. Nothing has been happening that really has been of any note in my life, especially since I've only had two classes in the last two weeks due to Reading Week and Spring Break.

I get up, eat something, drink tea, return to my computer, write, check email, write, wander around the house looking for something else to eat, return thwarted to my computer, write, check email, get up and try to do a little reading for class, fail at that, write.

I mean, really. Does anyone actually care about that level of my life?
Not even I care about that level of my life.

I spend my time reading about other people's lives while having none of my own. How sad.

Today had some variation. I didn't write and drink tea. I spent most of the day whacking off in Photoshop making a wallpaper and drinking coffee.
Ah, variety is the spice of life.

I will probably be visiting Ashland Monday through Tuesday-ish, since Wendy is bored and not working and I have no classes, and we both desperately need something to do. And we have a car. (A kind of dysfunctional car, but it does still move, and that's the important part.)
Books I'd like to get back from people if possible: My Tao-Te Ching from Crystal, Scientific Creationism from Heather, and My Year of Meats, Fast Food Nation, and Nickled and Dimed from Angela.
(And my copy of Dragonlance from Owen, and my other copy from Jen. But going to Ashland won't help me with those.)

Speaking of books, I recently bought and read a very interesting one called Culture Jam by Kalle Lasn. Very...inspiring.
Or something.

Blah... I got nothin' worth saying, really.
Reentering my coma.
lykomancer: (Default)
1) Didn't make it back to Anime Detour because of time and scheduling pressures. *sigh*

2) Um... undone. As undone as that other sketch of Teresa-san. Maybe I'll work on those tonight.

3) Done! And I'm really happy with the results. (And the community members all said that it was really in-character. Go me! Yatta!) Losing the Faith )

4) Went. Ate really good food served by a very sweet waitress. Wandered upstairs and watched men who were way prettier and more feminine than I will ever be strut their stuff. Gave them quite a bit of my money in exchange for polite cheek-kisses and got fairly drunk on vodka sours. Happy tail-wagging goodness.
Drag is a wonderful thing. Gender-play is a truly wonderful thing. *drool* Having hot drag queens say "Thank ya, darlin'" into your ear above the pounding music is a. wonderful. thing.

____
Y'know, I think I want to be in a relationship with someone who would sing this song --points to current music-- to/about me (without me having to tell them to). That'd be spiffy.
lykomancer: (Default)
Ah, the Sanitarium (my apartment).
The one place where you are likely to find at least one person-- actually, usually more than one-- awake at four in the morning on any given day. Honestly, I think at any given time, you are likely to find at least one household member awake... doesn't matter if you check in at 6 am or midnight or 2 in the afternoon; someone will be awake.

I was going to go to bed after I finished Juvenile Orion #1 around two. YOu can clearly see how well that worked out. (Juvenile Orion = very good, thus far. Worth the money. New collection starting.)

My little window-sitting mascot wolf is staring at me and panting cutely.

Goals for tomorrow:
-- Go for a walk if the weather is nice like it was today, possibly to the coffee shop down Franklin called The Wolves' Den.
-- Maybe go to the gym. =sigh=
-- Work out some more finances.
-- Write a sestina.
-- Finish sewing Owen's pants.
-- Fax my Social Security number to the financial aid people who are numerically illiterate and cannot tell the different between a "3" and a "5".

...I think that's it. Don't want to make the list too long, or nothing will get done.
lykomancer: (Default)
...and I have not yet gone to sleep since I woke up yesterday afternoon at noon. I feel that I should be tired, but I'm not really.

I did the majority of the dishes, straightened up the kitchen, made tuna, accidentally ruined my tuna by dumping the entire bottle of pepper in it, fed the mess to the rats, microwaved and ate some hot dogs (mmmm... weiners), and now here I sit (ganking the neighbor's wireless again, as Alpha.Omega-- our home network-- is down. *shrugs* It was working two or so hours ago, before I started the dishes), with my headphones filtering hide cheerfully proclaiming "Hi-Ho!" into my ears.
While I'm awake, I should sew more of Owen's pants, but that requires a bit more work than I really want to put into a project at this time of day: rounding up my pins and needles and thread and safety pins and scissors, measuring the hole, cutting the patch and sewing the edges under so it doesn't fray, pinning it on, sewing it on... Yeah, it occupy me probably until I got tired enough to fall asleep, but at that point there would most likely be small, sharp pieces of metal scattered all over the floor, and that's not a good way to leave your room.

Music switch: Superchic(k)-- One Girl Revolution

My Winamp's on crack. Lots of crack. I think it's plotting to drive me crazy with it's bizarre "random" selections.

Whoa... Slowing down. Cheap weiners from Cub Foods must be soporif...

Oh, hello, Evil. I was wondering why I kept hearing strange things over my music. How'd you get in here?
...and why the hell am I typing my conversation to the cat?

Music switch: W-inds-- Shiki

I should take my drugs before I forget and wind up cranky and shit again, cause that sucks.

Oh, and most of you will recognize and appreciate the typical Jess-ness of this:
_____
Me: "They suddenly decide they like everything I do...after I've already been doing it for five years, during which they made fun of me for it-- gourmet tea, Lord of the Rings, patched pants... All popular now, and I've been into that stuff for over a decade! The goddamned little trend monkeys need to fuck off!
My Long-suffering Therapist: "'Fuck off'?" *laugh* "You're so hostile and angry!"
Me, amused: "No, I'm not. I just want them to fuck off and die."
______

'Kay. I think I'm now going to at least try to go to sleep. Maybe read a bit. Burn some lavender incense. Relax, at least.
Shit, I'm never going to return to being mostly-diurnal at this rate.
lykomancer: (Happy)
As some of you already know 'cause I wanted to spread the joyous news...
idiot-boy no longer lives with us!

Tom, Wendy, and I got together yesterday at Judith's, and had a serious talk. Tom stood up at the end of it, announced that he was going to take some anti-anxiety drugs, we were going to go eat, and then we were going home to say, "Here's two hundred dollars, get out by tonight."

We were expecting all sorts of hell to break loose. We were expecting things to get broken. We were expecting a fight.

Nothing happened. Derek said, "OK, can I at least stay the night?" and Tom said, "No, and that's final" and that was it. He packed up and we dropped him off at the bus station at 9; he got a ticket back to PA on a bus leaving at 10.

I think he's really and truly gone.

No more chaos. No more fear. No more wondering were in the hell that pound of lunchmeat I just bought yesterday went.

GONE.
(thankyagodthankyagodthankyagodthankyagodthankyagod...)

_____
In other fields, I think I got an A- in my historical theology class. I got an A on half of the final-from-Hell and a B on the essay half. Along with the 2 A- and 1 B on my other papers...

Also, Julie emailed me a picture from Thanksgiving that I will eventually have to post. I look crazy. It's great.

Umm... that's all for now!
(I think that's enough!)
lykomancer: (Default)
Ok, so yesterday didn't go exactly as I planned.

I'm getting really frustrated at everyone. I'm the one in the house who is having the least amount of problems with Derek-- the day after Christmas fight aside-- and yet I'm really getting the message that I should be the one to handle him and the problems he's causing everyone else.

Ok, on one hand, yeah, as the calmest, most rationally sane person in the house and as a good friend who cares compassionate for my other housemates, I probably should be the one to deal with the mess.
On the other hand, I'm not the one having the majority of the problems, and my housemates are (supposedly) adults. They should take care of their own problems. It is not responsibility to look after them.

Wendy won't say much to Derek's face, and when she does, she seems to do it with the deliberately childish impetus to annoy him as much as he's annoying her-- whining, snapping, muttering.

Tom's run away from the whole situation, and called me yesterday with what seemed like the sole intent of asking me if I'd thrown Derek out yet. Tom will not confront Derek, makes absolutely no effort to do anything besides freak out, break down, and hide other places, and throws the entire burden on me and Wendy-- which, in reality, means me.
And I can't do anything because I have no idea what Tom's real problem is. Tom's freaking out even when Derek isn't doing anything and is leaving him entirely alone. I've never seen anyone so completely cowed by someone else for what seems like no apparent reason, and I don't know what to do about it. Everytime I ask Tom, he's just like, "I can't live with him! I can't stand being in the same house as him! I just can't do it!" which leaves me with no clear answers as to what the real problem is and suggests that Tom isn't even willing to try, which annoys the hell out of me. Tom's also said things about Derek reminding him of his mother, and about the problems of two bipolars living in the same house together, and I can understand all that when Derek is acting up...but not when Tom's breaking down and Derek isn't even there.
To be honest... *sigh* ...and this sounds harsh, it's seems like Tom's completely losing his mind. Literally.
I can't get anything out of him except fear and anxiety. He won't-- can't--- listen to anything besides his own terror, and I don't know what he's even really afraid of. The worst Derek can do is scream at us, maybe try to beat us up, but there's three of us in the house, there's three phones in the house (and it's easy enough to dial 911), and honestly, I don't think it would even go that far provided Derek was sober. And if he did start screaming at us or getting violent again, his ass would be grass in no time flat and then Tom wouldn't have to worry anymore.
And I understand that the mechanics of fear are such that reason itself isn't reasonable, and that it's easy to get trapped into a cycle of victimization because even the prospect of getting screamed at is terrifying...but I don't know what else to tell him or do for him. Again, it's harsh, but I wish Tom would make more of an attempt to be strong. He can't keep breaking down every time he runs into an obstacle; he can't keep running away from people like his mother and Derek-- if there's a cosmic lesson here, it's that he needs to learn how to deal with this kind of stuff and free himself from this cycle.

*sigh*
I really don't like being the most not-crazy person I'm living with.

Annie, Marybeth, Angela, et al. call me if you still have my number. I'm anxious to talk to other (relatively sane) people.
(Oh, and Marybeth, I did get your Christmas present, love! In all the lunacy I've been forgetting to mention that and give you a big thankies hug and kiss! Thank you!)
lykomancer: (angry)
*twitch, twitch*

...

*twitch*

So.
Tom's therapist gave him two options:
He could check himself into the mental ward for a week,
or, he could get out of the house and live somewhere else for a week.
Hence, Tom is currently staying with Judith.

Derek is feeling "threatened" that he's going to be out on his ear.
He should be feeling thusly.
'Cause he's gonna be.

When Wendy, Wendy's boyfriend Ryan, and I got home last night, I pled a headache and locked myself in my room with a cup of Tension Tamers, Gackt music, lavender essential oil, and a book on the nature of evil. I didn't even want to talk to anyone, 'cause so help me God, if I had, I'd have lost it.
So.
I isolated myself.

I pretty much got up and came here (the library).
I'm feeling calmer now... Or, probably more to the point, I am so past enraged that I feel calm.
Wendy's called into work today. No doubt this is related to the fact that I told her last night that I was throwing him out one way or another today, and when she asked me not to confront him alone, I pointed out that now that he's lost his job (yeah, the idiot lost his job-- ALREADY) and I don't have one, it's inevitable that we are going to be alone a lot.
But I'm thinking that I'm going to get him someplace out in public like a Starbuck's, and calmly and rationally say something to the effect of:

"Please don't interrupt me until I'm finished even though you're really going to want to. I really want you to hear everything I have to say.
You cannot stay with us. I know you were thinking about moving out on your own, and I think that's a good idea if you can still do it. But it comes down to the simple fact that you cannot live with us. Your mere presence is driving Tom literally insane.
You were able to even consider moving out here because of Tom's compassion and willingness to try to give people a fresh start, and clearly, it is not working out. The man who invited you out is having a mental breakdown just because you are in the apartment.
I feel an obligation toward Tom, because he has helped me out of the pit of despair more times than I care to count. Now Tom is in that dark place, and I feel that we both have an obligation to help him out.
If you are really serious about moving out and finding your own place-- as I said before-- I highly encourage this, and if you say that you are still serious about it, you will have no problem with my getting an eviction notice to back your claim up and have something to show Tom to reassure him."

You will note that it is waaaaayyyy nice.
Too fuckin' nice.
But.
I am calm enough to be nice, and be it forcefully, and so I will take advantage of that calmness.

If I have to, I will point out that I am willing to forgo the two hundred dollars he owns me for rent in exchange for him buying a bus, train, or-- better yet-- plane ticket back to PA.

One way or another, it's going down today.
I'm tired of dragging this out.
I'm sick of the fuckin' psycho-drama.
And if I'm the only one with the cojones to square off with him, so be it. We all have our crosses to bear.
lykomancer: (Default)
This morning, taking Derek to work-- who, even though he's been going to the same place for three weeks, did not know the way there... This is at the two hour mark (to a place that is twenty minutes from home):
Wendy, on the phone with a woman at Derek's work: Yeah, well that's part of our problem. We don't know which direction east is.
The Lady on the Phone: Follow the sun.
Wendy, repeating: Oh...follow the sun!
Me and Derek: *fall over laughing*

____
So.
Two nights ago while having an extremely pleasant time with Jenny, Owen, David, and their friends Mike and EJ-- Ok, so Jenny wasn't having a good time, but dammit, I sure was-- I called home to see if Jenny would be able to get in and get some files off her computer.
Heard Wendy and Derek screaming at one another.
Went home.
Owen wanted/s to moderate so that 911 doesn't have to be called and work it out so that Derek comes up with the idea "on his own" to move out. By the time we got that established and got back home, Derek was in bed, so we let it slide.
Tom, of course, heard about this, and the next day had an anxiety attack bad enough that he spent most of the day in the hospital. They sent him home saying, "maybe you should trying eating and sleeping." No shit, you dumb bastards; I didn't realize you needed a medical degree, millions of dollars of equipment, hundreds of dollars in payment, and six hours to figure that out! I thought that might be self-evident.

Yesterday was a complete wash.
Didn't get internet. Don't have a new working computer. Didn't get to check my email (which is ok, because what I'm waiting for wasn't there anyway).

The only up-side is that Derek came home only minutes after Tom (who began shaking the minute he saw Derek), and so went I was escorting Tom into his room and making sure that he ate and got situated, Jenny was executing Owen's plan, and by the time I got out to the living room, Derek was proudly announcing his plans to find his own apartment. He went out with Jenny, and they already got some apartment guides.
(Really, I want him back in PA... as far away from me and mine as I can manage...but at this point, I'll take what I can get.)
lykomancer: (angry)
Excuse my bad Latin.

Well, Wendy did more or less try to provoke him...and believe it or not she mostly failed. He kept his rage on a pretty tight leash, all things considered, and after two hours of listening to her snipe and bitch and hit below the belt to see what he would do, I came out of my room and asked her to stop. He actually did remarkably well, and yes, I told him that. If that's the worst his temper gets now, I can live with that.

Wendy's still pissed at him, and I don't blame her. She's not a happy camper. She also talked to his mother, grandmother, and his parole officer, who knows that I filed a police report. Wendy wants him out, but understands that this might take some time.

Tom's actually the worst off in the house. He's tied into knots and I don't know how to get him to unwind a bit. I mean, it's callous and unreasonable for me to say, "Tom, you need to just calm down and find some way to live with this right now," but...it is pretty much how I'm feeling.

I still want him out of my house, but I am willing to wait until I don't feel like a complete villain for asking him to leave/throwing him out/calling the cops. Right now my biggest concern is wondering what to tell Judith, who was very insistent that we throw him out on his ass-- one way or another-- Monday night.
(Judith did give me a helluva compliment though. She told me that I had the "biggest don't-fuck-with-me attitude" she'd ever seen. ^_^)

Things are settling into some kind of rhythm again. I just want things to be semi-normal (as normal as they get around here, anyway) again.

Emailed Teresa-san. No response yet. Patience is a virtue. :)

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lykomancer

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