lykomancer: (laughing my ass off)
Fuck it, I'm more than a little drunk. Pardon any mistakes, mm-kay?

I want to start wangsting about my life, but I don't have the time; any moment now Wendy's gonna start yelling at me for being an internet addict. Sadness and woe. And I should be sleeping. Sooooo tired...

I hit up Hot Topic and got three new, spiffy FMA shirts. Spent way more money than I should have. Bad Jess. Bad.
Wearing one now , actually. Ed is very cute and green, and Roy and Al are pink! Wheeee! And then I've got shirtless Ed and Al in pink on another, and then angry, I'm-gonna-kick-ass Ed and Al on my third. Swwwweeeeeet.

I have the best idea for [livejournal.com profile] tsukiguujin's icon, but I need to find and download a nice font that shows up well even when it's really small. [livejournal.com profile] sky_dark, you have any suggestions? Since you are, you know, the Icon Alchemist and all...

...need to go to sleep... Shit. Drank too much vodka. Head-holding uppage too much work...
lykomancer: (Oh Love Look at you)
- I'm in the kind of mood to write a new story or draw up a doujinshi or something like that. Maybe simply pick up a good fantasy novel or get sucked back into a good anime. I want to take a vacation from this reality into one fast-paced, exciting, nostalgic, terrible and wonderful and real and full of people I fall in love with and who will never love me because they are simply characters. I want to let my brain accumulate all sorts of new material, make new connections, stew in a marinade for a few days, and then come back to this world with a better sense of what the hell is going on.
I'd simply rewatch all of FMA (or any of the thirteen other series I've been hoarding on my hard drive), but I'm holding out until I lose my internet either through moving or through not being able to pay the bill.

- Talking to [profile] chauni last night made me realize how muh I miss Ashland. The soothing flow of mellow days, the calm ease that seems to fill the very air throughout the seasons, from the cool bite of autumn until the blaze of apathy-inducing heat at the end of summer. The rustle of the aspens and maples in the wind off the Lake. The slanting evening sunlight laying gold against the side of Wheeler Hall. The flat, deep blue ceiling of the sky. God, I could cry just thinking about it.

- I am fucking depressed. Even taking my meds like I'm supposed to, like a good girl. It's not enough. I'm still irrationally bitchy, cranky, tired, stressed, despairing, and hopeless. I hate you, dysfunctional brain chemistry. I want to stop sucking ass, so you better start recalibrating ASAP. This is not a suggestion; this is an order.

- I want to make more icons, but I struggle coming up with text. Amuse me and suggest something; maybe I'll use it. I really like icon-making; I'm just not that clever at matching an image with text. -_-;; I do think I'm getting pretty good at this particular little party-trick though, and I'm learning a lot about PS. I'll take requests, if anyone's actually interested.

- Speaking of FMA, Edward Elric has started to take over my life. I spend far too much of my time thinking about this made-up, not-real person, and it makes feel me sad and pathetic.
I'm not sure if I want an Ed in my life, or if I want to be Ed. Does the distinction matter?
...yeah, I think it does. I only wish I knew which one it was. (Ok, I don't mean that. Sitting back and thinking about it more makes me cringe at what either option might say about me. Dammit, I am not envious of a fictional character's personality traits! That's just fucking silly!)

- I want to go swimming and horseback riding. This is probably related to my Ashland-longings. I also want to actually feel happy, and not just tired, bored, amused, entertained, etc, etc... but that can be filed with the "I'm fucking depressed" rant.

Right. I'm going to go to set my alarm to get me up in the early afternoon and get my ass to bed.
lykomancer: (A hard-on is not personal growth)
I went out today to run some errands.
One of things I meant to do was stop by the Target that's downtown and pick up a few loaves of bread, since we eat bread with everything in this house.

...I shouldn't be allowed to set foot in Target.

Within the first five minutes, my good, responsible self has run off in stark raving terror, and the bad, money-spending me is left in charge.

I went for bread, and I left with bread, chopsticks, teacups, metal basket organizers, and pajamas.
God damned bargain bins by the door got me again.
And then there were the pajamas.

I need to explain:
I have an unhealthy obsession with pajamas.
I have a pajama fetish.

There. I've said it.

It's so bad; I can't control myself. Everytime I see soft, comfy, cuddly pjs, I am drawn to them helplessly. I lose myself for hours browsing though the racks of jersey and flannel and cotton, the elastic and drawstrings, the sets and singles. Medium, Large, XLarge, XXLarge. Pastel Easter egg colors and cutesy patterns of duckies and roses. Boxer shorts or pants? Long sleeve, short sleeve, straps?
Sexy silky black satin bottoms with flames up the sides; dreamy dark midnight blue velveteen with pale yellow stars and moons that hugs your curves, the pants flaring out at the bottom like bellbottoms; spaghetti-strapped camisole tops frothing with peach lace and edged with ribbon; cute pseudo-boxers that show strong clean-lined legs and a matching oversized t-shirt top; the no-nonsense straight-line comfort of men's style nightware.
I fuckin' love pajamas.
It takes a strong-willed co-shopper to safely wrangle me away from them without me clinging to a pair in desperation, crying, "But I need to have them!"
But if, like today, I am alone, I can drool over the pjs for as long as I want, my resistance slowly crumbling like the shore of Cornwall into the Atlantic-- or, if, again, like today, the pjs are on sale...well, the resistance is nonexistent from the get-go.
I do have some limits though.
I never pay more than six bucks for my pjs.
I walked out of there with two new sets (5.48$ and 3.98$) and a nightgown (2.98$). Yeah, buddy. I rock, and I know it.

And now I am happily sitting around in a new pair of thick jersey cloth long sleeved cream-colored pjs, simple and plain except for the bit of cream and raspberry lacing at the collar.

Admit it; you're jealous of my badass pajamas.
*noddles wisely*
It's ok; I understand.
lykomancer: (Run to ease the ache)
...and I'm still awake.

I laid in bed for a while, reading The Magic of Shapeshifting and sipping my tea, but I started thinking, and damn it, everyone knows how that goes.

I've been feeling a lot of... I don't know what to call it. Deja vu, is, I think as close as I can get. It's like... I suddenly don't understand how I've gotten where I am. I feel like I'm living someone else's life. For a moment, the world spins out of orbit and I'm looking around, the hairs prickling on the back of my neck and stomach clenching, and I don't recognize what's around me as being right.

(I mean, practically speaking, I'm not saying that I have fugues and blank moments. It's not that I suddenly look around and have no idea where I am or how I got there; I remember all that, but it just doesn't feel right. It's like I slip out of myself like a gear falling out of place, and suddenly I'm standing outside and inside myself simultaneously, fascinated by the quality of light streaking the pavement and unable to breathe normally.)

It's really strange, not entirely unpleasant, but disturbing in an almost revelatory kind of way. It's like that moment when you really, finally wrap your mind around the fact that you are going to die, and there's nothing you can do about it, and life will go on without you.


I also feel a little lonely tonight.
I don't know why; it's so odd really. I don't usually feel a lack of companionship.
I'm not a cuddly, sentimental person, given to flights of sugar-spun romance.
But tonight it would be nice to be able to press up against someone and just listen to the slow, steady thunder of their heart. To be wrapped up in someone else's scent and heat. To be silent and know that no words need to be spoken, because nothing could express the perfection of this moment.
Y'know what I mean?
Ah, well. I no doubt wouldn't appreciate it if I had it, anyway.
That's the kind of person I tend to be, much to my own displeasure.

I decided a while back that I would not concern myself with whether or not I was in a relationship. Things would happen in their own good time, and I would-- could-- wait for something good.
So I wait.

And in the mean time I am obnoxiously sexually flirtatious with people. I'd apologize for that, but fuck it; I don't really feel that sorry.
I just don't want people to get the wrong impression of me.
It's not all about sex.
I have more interests than sex and porn and smut.
There is more to me than that.
*sigh*
Whatever.

OK, now I AM going to bed.
lykomancer: (This moment is...)
Ug...
Momentarily returning to reality from my smutty fanfic writing coma, and I find that I really haven't missed all that much and that I was actually a bit happier and felt more useful in my coma. Nothing has been happening that really has been of any note in my life, especially since I've only had two classes in the last two weeks due to Reading Week and Spring Break.

I get up, eat something, drink tea, return to my computer, write, check email, write, wander around the house looking for something else to eat, return thwarted to my computer, write, check email, get up and try to do a little reading for class, fail at that, write.

I mean, really. Does anyone actually care about that level of my life?
Not even I care about that level of my life.

I spend my time reading about other people's lives while having none of my own. How sad.

Today had some variation. I didn't write and drink tea. I spent most of the day whacking off in Photoshop making a wallpaper and drinking coffee.
Ah, variety is the spice of life.

I will probably be visiting Ashland Monday through Tuesday-ish, since Wendy is bored and not working and I have no classes, and we both desperately need something to do. And we have a car. (A kind of dysfunctional car, but it does still move, and that's the important part.)
Books I'd like to get back from people if possible: My Tao-Te Ching from Crystal, Scientific Creationism from Heather, and My Year of Meats, Fast Food Nation, and Nickled and Dimed from Angela.
(And my copy of Dragonlance from Owen, and my other copy from Jen. But going to Ashland won't help me with those.)

Speaking of books, I recently bought and read a very interesting one called Culture Jam by Kalle Lasn. Very...inspiring.
Or something.

Blah... I got nothin' worth saying, really.
Reentering my coma.
lykomancer: (Default)
...and I have not yet gone to sleep since I woke up yesterday afternoon at noon. I feel that I should be tired, but I'm not really.

I did the majority of the dishes, straightened up the kitchen, made tuna, accidentally ruined my tuna by dumping the entire bottle of pepper in it, fed the mess to the rats, microwaved and ate some hot dogs (mmmm... weiners), and now here I sit (ganking the neighbor's wireless again, as Alpha.Omega-- our home network-- is down. *shrugs* It was working two or so hours ago, before I started the dishes), with my headphones filtering hide cheerfully proclaiming "Hi-Ho!" into my ears.
While I'm awake, I should sew more of Owen's pants, but that requires a bit more work than I really want to put into a project at this time of day: rounding up my pins and needles and thread and safety pins and scissors, measuring the hole, cutting the patch and sewing the edges under so it doesn't fray, pinning it on, sewing it on... Yeah, it occupy me probably until I got tired enough to fall asleep, but at that point there would most likely be small, sharp pieces of metal scattered all over the floor, and that's not a good way to leave your room.

Music switch: Superchic(k)-- One Girl Revolution

My Winamp's on crack. Lots of crack. I think it's plotting to drive me crazy with it's bizarre "random" selections.

Whoa... Slowing down. Cheap weiners from Cub Foods must be soporif...

Oh, hello, Evil. I was wondering why I kept hearing strange things over my music. How'd you get in here?
...and why the hell am I typing my conversation to the cat?

Music switch: W-inds-- Shiki

I should take my drugs before I forget and wind up cranky and shit again, cause that sucks.

Oh, and most of you will recognize and appreciate the typical Jess-ness of this:
_____
Me: "They suddenly decide they like everything I do...after I've already been doing it for five years, during which they made fun of me for it-- gourmet tea, Lord of the Rings, patched pants... All popular now, and I've been into that stuff for over a decade! The goddamned little trend monkeys need to fuck off!
My Long-suffering Therapist: "'Fuck off'?" *laugh* "You're so hostile and angry!"
Me, amused: "No, I'm not. I just want them to fuck off and die."
______

'Kay. I think I'm now going to at least try to go to sleep. Maybe read a bit. Burn some lavender incense. Relax, at least.
Shit, I'm never going to return to being mostly-diurnal at this rate.
lykomancer: (Default)
So... my therapist-- Xan-- finally decided that I need to take the crazies test and possibly get put on meds.
This is because I told her about my funfunfun week in Ashland; damn, if I had known that's all it would take to get my Zoloft...
I think I frustrate her a lot. I also think she's just trying-- at this point-- to get me to say that I feel "sad" (instead of frustrated/annoyed/angry/disheartened) and to say that I am lonely, which even though I am most of the time, I won't say, though I'll agree with her when she says it.

I got another A- on a Historical paper.
I wish I could be just like Paul-sensei! If I were male, and it legal, I'd marry the man; I love him so damn much-- and I don't even really know why! I absolutely do not understand my infatuation with him, not at all. Although at the potluck on Tuesday before class, I did find out that I'm not the only one. Apparently, he has a small cult following, and no one really gets why they like him so much.
I guess that's what you call charisma!

I also think the married male TA in Historical was hitting on me. !O.o;;; And the chiropractor that's in the class told me that my ribs still hurt-- yeah, still, two weeks after the fact-- because I probably cracked the cartilage. Skippy. And then he told me that he was trying to get rid of some computers; did I want his number?
(Even though he says that they're still Windows 98 and not too much better than the one I've currently got, I'm thinking that I can salvage some of the parts; I mean, what the hell? it's free.)

Speaking of that, I'm browsing computers on the internet, but realize I have no idea what I'm looking for. Could someone give me some stats so that I can have a basis for comparison?
(Like this: "Intel Pentium 4 Processor, 2.8GHz, 512MB RAM, 200GB Hard Drive, 4X DVD+/-RW Drive, Windows XP Home Edition." ...OK, fabulous, and this means what to me?)

I need to stop buying manga.
Like really.
I have about 250$ worth of manga now, and I want MORE! It's like candy; I can't stop buying it. Y'know, I'd say, "OK, I'll just buy the rest of the series I've started, and then stop" but even if I bought the rest I'd just move on to another series. (Like Kenshin, which I've never seen/read but have heard so much about.)
I've totally abandoned my interest in fantasy (except for the Dark Tower series, which is finally finished...but I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback), books on disease, religion...all my favorites...for the junk-food that is manga.
Can't go into Borders; can't go into Borders; can't go into Borders...

And I need to find an art supply store. Like a real one. Although, everytime I ask someone if there's one in the nearby area (no matter where I am), they always direct me to Office Max.
Ok, kids, Office Max is NOT an art supply store. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I know this because, for example, they don't sell linseed oil.
So stop telling me to go there.

Right.
I should go to chapel.
____
EDIT:

HotASLlady is so very, very hot. I ran into her on my way to choir and my heart felt like it literally stopped. It hurt.
I am also very impressed with (I think his name's Brian) the new ASL person that's in Thursday's Historical class (which, since Tom dropped the class we shared on Tuesday night, I more of an excuse to attend, because it's easier for me to get to and from Thurday afternoon's class than to and from Tuesday night's. This means more HotASL-ness. Yippee for me!); he's cute when he smiles, too.

...I'm not really a walking ball of hormones.
Really.
lykomancer: (Default)
I went home yesterday and proceeded to write until I couldn't think of anything else to say. Here's the results.

Ranting, raving, and foaming at the mouth )

She works hard for the money... )

Blurb )

On the beast within )


And yeah, I feel better today and the weather is gorgeous, I get paid tomorrow and we can go grocery shopping, and for now, once more, the world seems an ok place. My demons have be appeased by the offering of words and tears, and have quietly retreated. That's good enough for now, although I am already thinking about how to shut them up for good.
Right. I'm off to go online rat shopping.
lykomancer: (Default)
Bubble gum universe and rock candy catharsis. ^_^
I AM in charge of my own destiny.

I sat down last night and wrote and wrote while half-assed listening to the BBC talking about the Portland, Maine, Catholic priest molestation scandal and the collapse of the archdiocese on NPR. It felt later than it was though it was only midnight, and things were ok, alright...I was cool and in my groove and there are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq-- I don't believe it no matter what lies Bush tells the media-- and my fingers pirouetted across the keys confidently.

Someday I will have a disk and I will show you what I wrote. It's puffed up and self-important like my fiction tends to be, but pay no attention to that and rejoice merely in the fact that it was written.

I came in this morning to register for my fall class here at United, and Sandi-- the sweetest woman on the face of the earth, I swear to God-- was charming and attentive and warm and friendly. She made me a cup of Earl Grey tea that was redolent with the scent of orange peel. I am enrolled in the basic intro class, and I can't wait to take Greek in the winter.

I have an interview this afternoon in downtown to do the same exact thing I did for the DNC-- fundraising canvassing-- only for a different political party (something to do with the late Senator Wellstone) and over the phone. I figure, it's at least another few days work if nothing else.

I am locked out of the apartment building. I emptied my jeans pockets last night and forgot to grab my keys this morning.

God bless Judith! Without her, Tom and I would without a doubt have a broken car and nothing to eat but the two dead rats in the freezer (Ossie and Mystic both died, and I have no idea what to do with their little corpses, so they are wrapped up in a Wal-Mart bag in the freezer). I might be house-sitting for her next week, and its surely the least I can do considering what she's done for us...

No word back on the closed captioning position, and I am crossing my fingers.
Please, Deity, You know how I need this. Please, please. Show me the love. Alleluia and amen.

I'm feeling better and better each day. I guess I hit the bottom last week and had nowhere left to go but up. Or else I passed it off to Tom, who's been steadily dragging lower for the last four days. I don't know what to tell him to make him feel better...I'm still jobless, I still don't have my paycheck, his car part still isn't in the shop, we own our living souls and first-born to Judith, we still can't afford such extravagances as milk, etc, etc.

*shrug* Yes, poverty can be reduced to some philosophical theory even when you are living it.

Oh, yeah. One more random thought. Everyone should read Marcus Borg sometime this summer. I just finished The God We Never Knew and let me assure you that it is brilliant. If you can't find that, he also wrote Meeting Jesus Again for the First Time, which I haven't read, but I'm sure is just as good.
lykomancer: (Happy)
Skipped class, and haven't done much of anything all day, except for play on Adobe for a long time.
I made new icons to go with my revamped journal. *points* Worship the supreme kawaii-ness of Ryoko.

I also made:

Animed men of the cloth are love


Told you I would. ^_^

I am slowly uploading all of the art that I scanned in like, October onto Deviantart so that I can clear it out of pubfiles and off the CommComm harddrives.

...
Sounds like it's gonna thunderstorm tonight, which is sad 'cause then we can't play lazy-man soccer and is happy 'cause I love thunder and lightning and that cozy feeling of reading in bed and listening to the rain. I'm in a real traditional book mode-- Shakespeare and the Bible, Gilgamesh and Beowulf.
Feeling thoughtful and contemplative, but I don't know about what. Eh... it'll come to me.
lykomancer: (Default)
Sitting around the seminary library, waiting for Tom to get out of class. (Eee... an extremely in-depth look at the Biblical book of Numbers does not sound like a fun class to sit-in on!) Kinda worried about Angela, considering her last journal entry and the fact that there's been nothing posted since then (Angela-chan, if you're reading this, please email me or something...just don't be dead or anything, for the lovagod.) Reading about the hoops you have to jump through to be ordained as a UU minister, and occasionally amused by the curriculum here: thinking about taking a class named "Worship" cracks me up every time.

I have some tasty loose-leaf white-tip oolong tea and some tastes-almost-but-not-quite-like-coughdrops Herb Grass candy, both of which I picked up at a Oriental food store in downtown Minneapolis. Still looking for some sake and trying to get Tom to take me to a comic book store, so I might have more goodies to share by the time you next hear from me.

The grass is green, the dandelions are blooming, and it's Earth Day. (Which I totally forgot about until the cafe put out little cards celebrating it-- I'm a bad Northlander, forgetting about our "official" campus holiday like that.)

No one else is in here, so I don't feel bad monopolizing the computers, especially when I've been writing the whole time. First my vocational statement, and now this.

Wow...the UU's demand a high level of competence in their ministers! I suppose it's not unreasonable, but I just didn't expect the Unitarians to demand that their ministers were competent in Hebrew (among other things, including Anti-Racism and and Multi-Culturalism, pastoral care, worship, music, and preaching)!
Hmmmm... looking at this, I realize that if-- and oh, it's a big IF!-- I ever want to be ordained, I pretty much have to begin planning now, and that I will need to take classes at another school in order to cover some of these requirements laid out by the UUA. Damn.

Righty-O. I've still got another hour forty-five to wait, but I think I'm going to go pillage the library now.
lykomancer: (throttle something)
So, like, I decided that Monday night before an 8:30 class was a great time to sit around outside on a late-late Wisconsin winter/early-early Wisconsin spring night drinking alcohol and smoking.

My eyes feel like someone poured Elmer's glue in them, my mouth tastes like a small rodent died in there (yeah, don't worry, I still have all of the rats), my hair is doing something gravity-defying, I reek of woodsmoke, and my left pinkie finger feels like someone bopped it with a hammer. *stares* I think it's swollen, but everything's faintly scummy like I'm looking through a dirty window, so it's hard to tell. Must be the glue.

...

I felt OK when I went to bed...

I think I molested some people last night. That's OK.
I remember laying spread-eagle on the ice for five to ten minutes, wating for people to make a bridge-trip. I remember sitting on the benches at the firering with no coat and my shirt hanging on by four buttons, discussing hypothermia with Joe McDevitt. I remember helping a plowed Annie trying to make s'mores.
(MMm... drunk, stoned people and a fire... a brilliant combination! Well, no one got hurt, but Joe's lighter falling in the fire when he-- for some reason-- shucked off his bib'alls provided some fun pyrotechnics. WHOOSH! Heh-heh!)

I don't have diddly to do today! *prances* Yah! I'm gonna go find out if any dirty bastards have stolen my ice cream out of the dorm fridge yet, and then figure out if I can handle eating it right now.
lykomancer: (Alex)
So I went and saw "The Passion of the Christ" with some friends tonight.

I will say right off that I hate going to a crowded movie. People are assholes! They talk (loudly), they run around the theater, they show up late for the movie and wander around, they sit directly in front of you even when they could have sat elsewhere. Not to mention the people that came with me... I spent half the show getting Annie and Crystal's attention, shutting them up, enjoying a few scenes, and then trying to get their attention again to shut them up.

GAWdamn, children!

Right.
Commentary on what I got out of the movie. )

I'm kind of hungry now, and though Crystal and I were going to go shopping she's wandered off somewhere with the other monkeys. Oh, well.. I can still hit the Chub.

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