Apr. 23rd, 2013


Apr. 23rd, 2013 01:05 pm
lykomancer: (Default)
The American idea of romantic love is bullshit. Romantic love is nothing more than oxytocin and dopamine and serotonin and sex hormone poisoning. It's a form of socially sanctioned mental illness, and we're told that it's the Solution to all our problems and if we're not experiencing it then we're hollow, empty, lonely people.

I can accept arguments for philia or agape or storge, but this thoroughly modern idea of idealized romantic attachment, or soul mates, is nonsense. It's the same destructive, untenable horseshit as the social pressure to be thin, or the belief in the Horatio Alger myth.

Yes, I think I might like to date. I'd definitely like to have sex again. But I also just want to be left the fuck alone, because I hate people and I don't really want to deal with them and their issues. Spending time with someone new sounds exhausting and exasperating.

I'm vaguely disgusted at the idea of dating someone my own age or older. Hypocritical? I suppose, but it's extremely rare for me to find anyone over the age of 30 that I find sexually attractive. They don't seem like my peers. They seem old. I don't like myself for saying that, but... Well.

I can't stand even listening to someone talk about their children or ex-spouse. It instantly sinks a blade into my libido and kills it dead. No, I don't entirely know why. No, I can't justify it. But somehow it's emotionally revolting. And the older I get the less likely I am to find someone who hasn't had kids or been married previously.

And people with whom I do have things in common? Too often I feel sickening envy and the rage that accompanies that-- and I mean the soul-shaking, pit-of-stomach nausea-inducing, "I'd rather tear your eyes out with my bare hands than look at you" rage and envy. Hate is not a strong enough word. Murderous comes close, at least.

And I hate the happy, socially-normal little fucks that laugh and blow me off when I slip and mention anything like this. I hate the eyeroll and condescending, "Of COURSE you want to get married" followed by a dismissal because they don't want to deal with my issues and I probably just said it for attention anyway. It's not like I could mean it.

I know this is all my own problem. I know. But I hate the fucking dismissal, like everyone wants the same thing and that anyone who feels or thinks differently is lying.


lykomancer: (Default)

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